Thursday, July 8, 2010

Oh how my heart hurts...

video
I don't publish this post to make anyone feel sorry for me but oh, how my heart hurt when I saw this video. I am very familiar with all the photos and videos I have of Jack. When I was uploading some photos to the internet last night, I came across some old photos that Dan had uploaded off of his phone. Not expecting to see them and not knowing that some of them even existed was an unexpected trip down memory lane. I had tears flowing when I clicked on the first picture. The timing was probably pretty bad too since we were just coming back from a family vacation that he was at last year which made his absence so obvious. I clicked on this video and listened to him crying out/asking for me...oh Jack, how I do the same now. I have no recollection of this time and don't know why Dan would have been videotaping...I would like to think that I am off to Jack's right side as he seems to be looking that way and that I gave him a big hug right after Dan hit "off." Who knows?
Does Jack hear me cry out for him and feel sad too? Have our roles reversed? I spend so much time thinking about where Jack is, if he is anywhere and have figured out that I am pretty comfortable believing there is a heaven. I think all my loved ones that have already made the journey are with Jack and that the joke will be on us...we will arrive to heaven to meet all of our loved ones who went before us and realize they were living the high life while we were stuck in traffic, going to work, worrying if we were having a good hair day or not and if we'll have enough money for retirement. While I think about these things, (although I don't have to worry too much about a good or bad hair day, they are almost ALL BAD), I hope that Jack is waiting patiently, knowing we will be reunited and enjoying his time doing all the things he loved. Take a dip in the pool for me tonight and have an extra Red Velvet cupcake for me J-Boogie! I can't wait to see you again...

5 comments:

The Lunoff Adventures said...

He hears you. He hears all of us. Hannah met a boy at HEB last night. His name was Jack. She looked at him and then looked at me and said, "Mama, that not Jack.".

Amber said...

Oh, mama, that makes my heart hurt too!

Franklin and Lisa Spees said...

Sniff, sniff....

avaz mommie said...

What a sweet, precious voice. My heart hurts for you sweet girl. You have no idea how much it has meant to me that you reached out to us...took the time out of your grief to reach out to us. You are such a precious soul.

Briana and George said...

That video perfectly captures the love between a mother and a child, as we can all relate to that sweet, sweet cry for Mama. I am sending you a big hug today, my friend. You are so strong and do such an amazing job at keeping his spirit alive. Sweet Baby Jack.