So, my sweet little Jack is continuing to do things after he has passed that we haven't ever done...check out this video that Jack is "in." Love it. Should it be a surprise that the first time we watched it I could feel my own tears down my cheeks and Dan's hitting my arm as he stood behind me? Thanks Rocket Club for honoring Jack and asking us to use his photograph. Our pleasure!!!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Today we missed Jack a lot. Celebrating fatherhood after losing a child is bittersweet, not only for the Dad's but for the Mom's too. As hard as we try to make the day special, there is still the elephant in the room, the brief tears amongst so much to celebrate. We thought about Jack a lot today and for me, I couldn't help but thinking how he would be running around wild and crazy with Kate today. I felt cheated that it wouldn't happen and allowed myself to feel that for brief moments before checking in again and being grateful for all that we have. I noticed that Kate is starting to have a tan and swimsuit marks like Jack, although, Jack would have been a "Bronze God" by this point. I always loved that he would have stripes on the back of his neck from his tiny rolls of skin, stripes of white and tan where the sun would and wouldn't hit. I know it won't be long before Kate and Baby T3 (as we refer to her) will be engaging in their own silly games and the laughter will multiply in this house. Baby T3 will reside in Jack's room and it was strange to see a closet filled with pink clothes. We have finished decorating (so cute) and I would like to think that Jack will be keeping an extra special eye on Baby T3 as she enters the world. I know walk into that room and think "Baby T3" which is great.
The pictures in this blog are of the birdhouse we decorated while at Faith's Lodge, the retreat in Northern Wisconsin for families who have lost a child or have a child who is terminally ill. It is the most beautiful place but I would blackball anyone from "qualifying to attend." Today was the perfect day to hang it in our front yard and celebrate our little boogie who we continue to love as much today as yesterday.
Friday, June 4, 2010
It is strange the things that make you think about your lost loved one. Some time has passed now since Jack died, I don't do the math and truly don't know how long it has been. I really have to think if I were to figure it out. Why count? It's never going to bring him back and it will only be a reminder of how long I have lived without him. I try not to let dates control my feelings and as a wise and super cute Nate Berkus on Oprah said "I don't let the dates have power." (He lost his partner in the tsunami years ago) I have settled into my "new life" without Jack. Sometimes it is comfortable, sometimes not so much. I must say that the comfortable times are much more prevalent than the uncomfortable ones and for that I am grateful. The funny thing about death is it is one thing in life you can't change. I can't control it and I know that I will never have him back. As those thoughts may cause one to lose it, for some reason, it usually brings me comfort.
However, I had an uncomfortable moment at the most unusual time yesterday. (It always comes when you least expect it...ah Grief! You got me again. Darn you!) I was in the shampoo aisle and saw the shampoo I had been using for Jack, Suave Kids Coconut Cowabunga Shampoo. I smelled it and was instantly transported in my mind to bath-time and how he loved playing in the water. I could hear his laugh, I could almost feel the water hitting me as it spilled out of the tub, and for the first time since his death, I could physically feel on my fingertips his hair and what it felt like when I washed it. I could feel the courseness of his fine blond hair and wanted nothing more at that moment to be able to hug him, see him and hear that wonderful laugh of his and how he would say "MommyMommyMommy" without taking a breath in between words. Who knew a $1 bottle of shampoo could evoke such emotion? I had to settle for my memories and take comfort that someday soon, I will be able to wash Kate's hair with the same bottle and laugh with her as she splashes, pours water on me and enjoys a bath just as much as her brother!