I consider myself fortunate that my postings to this blog have become far and few inbetween...I haven't had emotions that need to spill out onto a computer about Jack and have been able to keep my head up high in ways and times I never thought possible. But, every once in awhile, something sneaks up when you don't expect it and the walls come crumbling down.
Last weekend, I needed someone to watch Kate and Quinn while I went to a meeting. I took my friend up on a standing offer to watch the girls. They have a son that Jack would play with who was younger than Jack. When I picked the girls up, he had woken up from his nap. I said "Hi!" and he responded with "Hi!" I asked "How are you?" He said "Good." I proceeded to have conversation with him and listened to him converse with all of us in the room in a way that Jack was never old enough to do. It was difficult to see this little boy who was always younger than Jack, all of a sudden, be bigger, more knowledgable, more capable of things...It made it so obvious to me that I had lost Jack, that Jack has been gone for quite sometime now, that Jack isn't here, growing, learning, et cetera...The boy asked Kate to chase him while he pushed a truck throughout the house. Kate was more than happy to oblige and they laughed and laughed while they chased eachother and played. What was odd was that the next thought didn't occur to me until I got home. I started to tell Dan, "Kate had such a great time chasing..." and I couldn't continue. The tears started coming down my face. Dan said "What's wrong? What's wrong?" and I couldn't finish. Finally I was able to say, (and by this time, Dan knew why the tears were falling), that "It should have been Jack." I felt so much sadness for Kate...that she will be denied this awesome Big Brother that she had for all to brief a time. I am more saddened that she misses that opportunity than for my missing out on watching my son grow. I cried for several minutes and then somehow was able to return to my "I am just so grateful for what I had" mentality. Needless to say, the hugs were a little tighter and longer that night as I put Kate to sleep. Ah...grief and loss...a pair I never thought I would come to know so intimately.