Tonight we watched all the short little videos we have in the "Jack Movies" file of our computer, we didn't plan it...I was at the computer and somehow stumbled on that file, as I was watching them, Dan stumbed into the computer room and of course, couldn't walk away once he saw what was on the screen. We have about 20 different videos, about 20 seconds each of Jack doing a variety of things, some that had been posted on the blog, some not. It's bittersweet watching them, I am so glad to have them and to hear his voice again, see his movement, see his smile and his personality but then, it is sad to think, "This is all we have." At some point, these videos will be so repetitive, I will know them by heart and it won't be a "surprise" as it is right now since I don't have them memorized from watching time and time again.
What did strike me as I watched them was, "How in the world is the plant that I see in the background of all the videos shot in our living room still living and Jack isn't?" How is that possible? How can a plant we own have a longer life span than our child? It starts the questioning and the mystery of this whole thing..."How in the world?" "What happened?" "Why did this happen?" For me, these questions can be toxic if dwelled on too long because regardless of the answers (If we ever really have any...), the bottom line is, my children should live longer than any plant I own. (This actually is ironic...I volunteered in HS to water plants at church with a dear friend and we got "fired" because we killed most of them by accident! I am no green thumb...)
I spoke with the Medical Examiner (ME) again on Friday. Travis County does not have special equipment for what is necessary to continue trying to figure this out. So, it all comes down to money. Can you believe that? The ME is trying to find an expert in this certain thing that needs to be done (Electronic Microscopy?, I may have the last word wrong) and is asking if it can be done pro bono, otherwise, Dan and I would have to pay if we want it done. The ME couldn't even guess at how much it would cost. (Not a good sign) I also received a bill for $505 from the County for EMS to come and "pronounce Jack dead" as the not-so-compassionate woman told me when I called inquiring as to why I received a bill. I seriously thought I was being punked and was waiting for Jack to jump around the corner and say "Just kidding! It was all a joke" when I was talking to her on the phone. Thank goodness I was with Lourdes at the time and she could finish the call for me as I excused myself to the bathroom to sob. I guess I was foolish to think that my tax dollars paid for EMS services. I know there is a charge if you ride in an ambulance but Jack was never transported. Each day continues to show me that this world is crazy and life is a wild ride.
The grief is still a visitor at our house (not like we have expected it to go away this soon, or ever for that matter)...it hasn't learned to politely leave when its hosts are sick of it.
4 comments:
I have a blog for my family and it is a habit of mine to hit 'Next Blog' to see what other people are up to. I am here in my office in tears reading your blog. I can't imagine such an awful tragedy, but I really admire your strength and ability to keep moving forward. My heart is literally hurting for you right now and I'm having to talk myself out of rushing to pick up my son from daycare and never let him go. Thank you for sharing your story. I do not know you or your family, but you will forever be in my prayers. Bridgette Bilz, Atlanta GA
I wonder a lot, "why" did this happen to Jack. A healthy 2-year old, "why". You're right...why should that house plant continue to occupy your house? It's makes no sense. I did find out who the Director of ATCEMS is and have left several voice mails and haven't had a call back. The charge is ridiculous! I wonder if someone (a researcher) at one of the medical schools around would be willing to take on the case. I would check with UT Medical Branch at Galveston, Baylor College of Medicine, UT School of Public Health Houston, UT Health Science Center in San Antonio. I would check with their research division(s). Let me know if this is something you'd like me to do. I'll gladly make that my next Jack mission. Our offer stands...whatever you need, we're here to help in whatever capacity.
Dear Turpin Family,
I am Tracy Lunoff's Mom, Annette. I have been trying to think of what I would be able to say to you to ease your pain, but having lost my oldest son Shane (22) this year as well, I know there isn't anything I can say. You are right when you said that the grief is there and probably will always be there. It's one of the things that is left in that open wound. We learn to get back into our "routine" to keep going on for ourselves, but most of all for the ones that love us. You are a very brave and wonderful family, even if it doesn't feel that way, but you really are. I have visited your blog since you and Tracy were both expecting and have shared in the joy of the pictures and videos of your growing family. I guess all I can say is what I say to myself, live on to keep the memory of Jack alive and you certainly have honored his memory so much already. My thoughts are continued prayers are with your family. Annette Myers
Oh that Darn plant!! I texted you tonight, I had a thought of you and wanted to see how your day was. I am glad that you shared about your day and know that we are all hear to lean on, make calls to be sassy to the one in charge(you know I'm good at that), smile, cry and dream with you.
I often wonder about those charges and the crap that they carry.. :( I'm sorry that you got that bill today.
I wish I could bring him back.. I really do. But I close my eyes and I see him, he's happy, loved and being a good old fashion boy excited to ride to the dollar store.
If you need anything Krissy(Dan) MN has your back.. just holla.
With all my love, hugs and respect~
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