Sunday, November 15, 2009
Tonight we watched all the short little videos we have in the "Jack Movies" file of our computer, we didn't plan it...I was at the computer and somehow stumbled on that file, as I was watching them, Dan stumbed into the computer room and of course, couldn't walk away once he saw what was on the screen. We have about 20 different videos, about 20 seconds each of Jack doing a variety of things, some that had been posted on the blog, some not. It's bittersweet watching them, I am so glad to have them and to hear his voice again, see his movement, see his smile and his personality but then, it is sad to think, "This is all we have." At some point, these videos will be so repetitive, I will know them by heart and it won't be a "surprise" as it is right now since I don't have them memorized from watching time and time again.
What did strike me as I watched them was, "How in the world is the plant that I see in the background of all the videos shot in our living room still living and Jack isn't?" How is that possible? How can a plant we own have a longer life span than our child? It starts the questioning and the mystery of this whole thing..."How in the world?" "What happened?" "Why did this happen?" For me, these questions can be toxic if dwelled on too long because regardless of the answers (If we ever really have any...), the bottom line is, my children should live longer than any plant I own. (This actually is ironic...I volunteered in HS to water plants at church with a dear friend and we got "fired" because we killed most of them by accident! I am no green thumb...)
I spoke with the Medical Examiner (ME) again on Friday. Travis County does not have special equipment for what is necessary to continue trying to figure this out. So, it all comes down to money. Can you believe that? The ME is trying to find an expert in this certain thing that needs to be done (Electronic Microscopy?, I may have the last word wrong) and is asking if it can be done pro bono, otherwise, Dan and I would have to pay if we want it done. The ME couldn't even guess at how much it would cost. (Not a good sign) I also received a bill for $505 from the County for EMS to come and "pronounce Jack dead" as the not-so-compassionate woman told me when I called inquiring as to why I received a bill. I seriously thought I was being punked and was waiting for Jack to jump around the corner and say "Just kidding! It was all a joke" when I was talking to her on the phone. Thank goodness I was with Lourdes at the time and she could finish the call for me as I excused myself to the bathroom to sob. I guess I was foolish to think that my tax dollars paid for EMS services. I know there is a charge if you ride in an ambulance but Jack was never transported. Each day continues to show me that this world is crazy and life is a wild ride.
The grief is still a visitor at our house (not like we have expected it to go away this soon, or ever for that matter)...it hasn't learned to politely leave when its hosts are sick of it.