Happy Birthday Jack!

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Happy Birthday Sweet Jack!

Today Jack would have been 3 but as we know in this house, we don't think of the "What if's?" but the "Aren't we glad for what we had!" I can't believe that it has almost been a year without our Sweet Boogie. I am so proud of Dan and myself for surviving and surviving well. We haven't let this ruin us and we haven't let our spirits dampen. It has been a journey that we couldn't have traveled with just each other. To the countless people that have helped us along the way, we could never repay you enough. I will admit, it is still weird when people ask, "How many kids do you have?" How do you answer that? I tell them about Kate, about Baby T3 and say "We had a 2 year old who passed away in September BUT WE CELEBRATE HIM!" It is a true statement and avoids that awkward pause when the person doesn't know what to say. I can't blame them, I know the right words are hard to find sometimes. As I have mentioned before, even just acknowledging the loss or mentioning Jack to us makes us feel so good...it shows us that he lives on! I have a new friend that I met after Jack passed away and he told me the other day, "I feel like I know Jack." It made my heart swell.

It is almost a year later and I still have never been rolled up in a fetal position. I think of Jack and smile. I haven't been angry and I am still thrilled to have been his mom for 700 plus days. My brain still has a hard time grasping that what happened was one in a zillion, so rare it can't even be quantified. I have never let my mind go the place of "Why?" because I think that could tear us apart. I'll never have the answer so why waste the energy trying to guess at one? Let us be the one in a zillion so that we spare anyone else...we'll take one for the team for sure! I have stayed true to my belief that if I changed or allowed Jack's death to ruin me, what a double tragedy. I feel like I make Jack proud by how I have handled myself and what I didn't realize right away is that Jack will always be my son, that will never be taken away from me and that yes, losing your child changes you but that change doesn't need to be bad. I can't count the number of times I have listened to the song playing throughout the slideshow and agree that YES, "I love more, laugh more, take less time to make up my mind, go slower, love deeper, I know what I want and what I don't and I'll be better than I've ever been..." I am better than I was before and although I would do anything to have J-Boogie back, that isn't an option and being the best I can be is.

I put together this slideshow to pay tribute to my family: Dan, Jack, Kate and Baby T3. I wanted to show that despite this crazy year, we still laugh, we still celebrate, there is joy in our house and we haven't let this tragedy ruin us. For that, I am so proud. Thank you to Cindy Bullens for writing this amazing song after the death of her 11 year old daughter. It has pulled me into brighter lights and for that I am forever grateful.

Jack, I wish we were busy decorating for your party today and that Dad had your Superman Cape on you, ready to take you for your "Guys morning" of Waffle House and a trip to "Toys R US" to pick out a toy. I know that "Doddy" (as you would say) had such a great time with you last year while I decorated for your party and that it was a tradition in the making. For now, my mind will be at ease knowing that wherever you are has to be a wonderful place. I am sure your face is covered with cream cheese frosting from your Red Velvet Cupcakes and that you are surrounded by all those friends and family that have gone before us. Eat as many as you want! Enjoy your day and know that we love you and miss you but believe that we will be reunited again. In fact, maybe the joke is on us, we're still going to work, paying taxes, concerned about the oil spill and I think you're in a 5 star resort! We love you J-Boogie and continue to be so grateful for you...XOXO, Mom, Dad and Kate

P.S. If the video doesn't appear, hit refresh.

Mark your calendars!!!

I have been thinking about Jack's birthday and what we want to do to celebrate him. I thought the perfect idea was sometime around his birthday (which is close to the day we lost him) Dan and I would donate blood every year. I shared this idea with my friend who works at the Blood Bank and while he thought it was a good idea, he said we could take it a step further!

What is the grand idea you say??? On Friday, September 24th, we will be having a "Jack Turpin" blood drive! If you are a blood donor, please consider joining us or...if you live out of state and give blood, take time to donate in honor of Jack where you live. What better gift then to give life! We will have a mobile van that will be in honor of Jack that will be coming to Manor and all blood donors will receive a "Hey Cupcake!" cupcake after donating! (Of course!) I need 20 people for them to come out so if you would like to join us, please let me know! I really want this to be a success!

First Annual Jack Turpin Cupcake Eating Contest

It is tradition for a group of my college friends and family to get together every 4th of July. This year was no exception and it was also the scene of the "First Annual Jack Turpin Cupcake Eating Contest." My parents came up with the idea since Jack loved his Red Velvet Cupcakes. The "entry fee" was $20.00 and all proceeds are being matched by my friends work (Woo Hoo! Thanks!!!) and will be given to "For the Love of Christi" which is a free support group for grieving families and people in Austin. If you are a blog follower, you are familiar with this organization as they have provided immense support to me and Dan since losing Jack and I have sung their praises many times. Dan and I were so touched my parents did this and that everyone was so eager to participate. Jack lives on not only in our hearts but in other peoples!! How cool!!! (I think that one of the hardest things about losing a child is that you are afraid other people will forget them...please don't!)

We walked outside to find a poster of Jack hanging above the table where the eating was held and gorgeous looking Red Velvet cream-filled cupcakes. Leave it to my mother...she had to have been Martha Stewart in another life. We had groups of three that raced to eat the cupcake without hands (Kate was able to use hers!) as quickly as they could...I think the winning time was somewhere around 4 seconds or so...impressive! It was a fantastic idea and allowed for the perfect time, setting and activity to acknowledge Jack and to continue celebrating him.

For the Love of Christi costs about $600 per day to operate and we are thrilled that because of this event, a day of costs will be covered because of Jack Turpin and our wonderful friends and family!

Oh how my heart hurts...

I don't publish this post to make anyone feel sorry for me but oh, how my heart hurt when I saw this video. I am very familiar with all the photos and videos I have of Jack. When I was uploading some photos to the internet last night, I came across some old photos that Dan had uploaded off of his phone. Not expecting to see them and not knowing that some of them even existed was an unexpected trip down memory lane. I had tears flowing when I clicked on the first picture. The timing was probably pretty bad too since we were just coming back from a family vacation that he was at last year which made his absence so obvious. I clicked on this video and listened to him crying out/asking for me...oh Jack, how I do the same now. I have no recollection of this time and don't know why Dan would have been videotaping...I would like to think that I am off to Jack's right side as he seems to be looking that way and that I gave him a big hug right after Dan hit "off." Who knows?

Does Jack hear me cry out for him and feel sad too? Have our roles reversed? I spend so much time thinking about where Jack is, if he is anywhere and have figured out that I am pretty comfortable believing there is a heaven. I think all my loved ones that have already made the journey are with Jack and that the joke will be on us...we will arrive to heaven to meet all of our loved ones who went before us and realize they were living the high life while we were stuck in traffic, going to work, worrying if we were having a good hair day or not and if we'll have enough money for retirement. While I think about these things, (although I don't have to worry too much about a good or bad hair day, they are almost ALL BAD), I hope that Jack is waiting patiently, knowing we will be reunited and enjoying his time doing all the things he loved. Take a dip in the pool for me tonight and have an extra Red Velvet cupcake for me J-Boogie! I can't wait to see you again...

Rocket Club - One More Day - Official Video

So, my sweet little Jack is continuing to do things after he has passed that we haven't ever done...check out this video that Jack is "in." Love it. Should it be a surprise that the first time we watched it I could feel my own tears down my cheeks and Dan's hitting my arm as he stood behind me? Thanks Rocket Club for honoring Jack and asking us to use his photograph. Our pleasure!!!

Happy Father's Day

Today we missed Jack a lot. Celebrating fatherhood after losing a child is bittersweet, not only for the Dad's but for the Mom's too. As hard as we try to make the day special, there is still the elephant in the room, the brief tears amongst so much to celebrate. We thought about Jack a lot today and for me, I couldn't help but thinking how he would be running around wild and crazy with Kate today. I felt cheated that it wouldn't happen and allowed myself to feel that for brief moments before checking in again and being grateful for all that we have. I noticed that Kate is starting to have a tan and swimsuit marks like Jack, although, Jack would have been a "Bronze God" by this point. I always loved that he would have stripes on the back of his neck from his tiny rolls of skin, stripes of white and tan where the sun would and wouldn't hit. I know it won't be long before Kate and Baby T3 (as we refer to her) will be engaging in their own silly games and the laughter will multiply in this house. Baby T3 will reside in Jack's room and it was strange to see a closet filled with pink clothes. We have finished decorating (so cute) and I would like to think that Jack will be keeping an extra special eye on Baby T3 as she enters the world. I know walk into that room and think "Baby T3" which is great.

The pictures in this blog are of the birdhouse we decorated while at Faith's Lodge, the retreat in Northern Wisconsin for families who have lost a child or have a child who is terminally ill. It is the most beautiful place but I would blackball anyone from "qualifying to attend." Today was the perfect day to hang it in our front yard and celebrate our little boogie who we continue to love as much today as yesterday.

Coconut Cowabunga Shampoo

It is strange the things that make you think about your lost loved one. Some time has passed now since Jack died, I don't do the math and truly don't know how long it has been. I really have to think if I were to figure it out. Why count? It's never going to bring him back and it will only be a reminder of how long I have lived without him. I try not to let dates control my feelings and as a wise and super cute Nate Berkus on Oprah said "I don't let the dates have power." (He lost his partner in the tsunami years ago) I have settled into my "new life" without Jack. Sometimes it is comfortable, sometimes not so much. I must say that the comfortable times are much more prevalent than the uncomfortable ones and for that I am grateful. The funny thing about death is it is one thing in life you can't change. I can't control it and I know that I will never have him back. As those thoughts may cause one to lose it, for some reason, it usually brings me comfort.

However, I had an uncomfortable moment at the most unusual time yesterday. (It always comes when you least expect it...ah Grief! You got me again. Darn you!) I was in the shampoo aisle and saw the shampoo I had been using for Jack, Suave Kids Coconut Cowabunga Shampoo. I smelled it and was instantly transported in my mind to bath-time and how he loved playing in the water. I could hear his laugh, I could almost feel the water hitting me as it spilled out of the tub, and for the first time since his death, I could physically feel on my fingertips his hair and what it felt like when I washed it. I could feel the courseness of his fine blond hair and wanted nothing more at that moment to be able to hug him, see him and hear that wonderful laugh of his and how he would say "MommyMommyMommy" without taking a breath in between words. Who knew a $1 bottle of shampoo could evoke such emotion? I had to settle for my memories and take comfort that someday soon, I will be able to wash Kate's hair with the same bottle and laugh with her as she splashes, pours water on me and enjoys a bath just as much as her brother!

Mother's Day

I know that so many people were thinking of my family on Mother's Day and I appreciate all the kind thoughts and words that were sent our way. We ended up spending the day and prior evening in the hospital with Kate who had an unexplained high fever which caused much concern because of Jack's mysterious and fast demise. Medical professionals become very concerned about Miss Kate when something looks slightly off. We appreciate it and know for them, we have to be a scary family to work with! I had visions of relaxing all day, celebrating both Jack, Kate and Baby T3 and how I am so lucky to be a mother to my children...past, present, and future! But as I have learned, life doesn't always go as planned. After getting home from the hospital in the middle of the afternoon after one hour of sleep, I told Dan, "I get a rain check on Mother's Day."
When I crawled into bed at night, I found a few surprises on under my pillow..the most touching, a card from "Jack." Dan had found a Mother's Day card that had a "Hummingbird" on it with a description of the Hummingbird in it. It read:

"Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation."

I thought this was so beautiful, poignant and made Jack seem like a hummingbird to me. In Jacks' card to me, "Jack" wrote among many things that "Life is a continuum and I will see you again. In moments of silence and beauty, I will help guide you and will always love you. Please have a Hey Cupcake! Red Velvet for me. Love you! Jack"

Do I have an awesome family or what?!

What was HE like?

I was at a party with a friend of mine that I have made since Jack died. I met her because she was one of the complete strangers who signed up to bring us food the weeks after everything happened. (For two months food was brought to us almost everynight. It was amazing) I am still amazed that people would do that...bring food to a family who is grieving, that they have never met before. Who wants to voluntarily walk into so many unknowns...? I learned through my amazing neighbors and people in the community that many people do! They taught me to never hesitate if I am doing something out of kindness or compassion for another person.
Who would think that I would make a good friend out of it? But, I did! And, it's fantastic...she is having a baby girl a few weeks before me, she loves Kate, I love her boys and her husband and her make great company! Who could ask for more from a family just a minute walk away?
Anyway...what leads me to this post is while at the party, we were talking about her boys and Kate. She turned and asked me "What was Jack like?" It made me so happy! Not only is Jack alive in my mind but others as well. He is not living and yet people still want to know about him and hear what made him crazy and fun. (And, she wasn't afraid to ask!) She had no idea what those four words meant to me and how it made my heart swell and my lips form a huge smile to know that someone besides me, Dan, my close family was still interested in him. There is a culture/saying/proverb (can't remember which) that says we die two deaths...one, when we die and two, when people forget that we existed. I never want Jack to die the second death!
You know who you are...thanks a million for making my day!
P.S. I could go on for hours about what Jack was like but I mentioned just a few good things to her; including his energy, his love for life, how he always seemed to be happy and loved to wrestle with this Dad. We miss you J-Boogie!

Ack! Ack!

My mom gave Kate a picture frame when Jack was still alive that says "My Big Brother Loves Me" on the top. We have it on display with a picture of Jack and Kate together in Kate's room. Every once in awhile I will point to the picture and say "That is Jack, That is Kate." I also have pictures in my wallet of Dan and Jack (Kate too!). Yesterday Kate was playing with my wallet and flipping through the pictures. I pointed to Dan's picture and said "Who is this?" Kate said "Dadda!" I then pointed to the pictures of Jack and said "Who is this?" My heart melted when she said "Ack!"

I couldn't believe that she knew his name and even said it with an emphasis (she is growing up too!), almost like she knew we say JACK! with an exclamation mark at the end. My eyes welled up and I don't know if it made me sad or happy, probably both.

Sad that she will never remember Jack. Sad that she was cheated out of the opportunity to have a big brother protecting her and making sure her boyfriends treat her right in high school. She is cheated out of an older brother who will push her down and skin her knees, who will teach her to build forts and to pick her boogers and wipe them on eachother. She will never have teachers that say "Oh, you're Jack's little sister" or have the pleasure of personally knowing what an awesome, fun and energetic person Jack was.

I was happy that she recognized him, even if just in a picture. Happy that Jack will be a part of her life, just in a very different way then we expected. Happy that Dan and I have the responsibility from early on to teach her about the value of life and that death is not to be feared. What a great responsibility for us and one that will take some figuring out when the time comes. If there is a heaven, there are many wonderful people waiting to greet us again, including JACK! It made me happy that I am confident in Dan and my raising of Kate that she will not grow up thinking she needs to "compare" to Jack or "be like" Jack or worry that she was never "good enough." Without effort, we have grown to love Kate even more for all the things that make Kate Kate, which are quite different than the things that made Jack Jack.

I wonder if she will ask us questions about him when she is older, will she want to see pictures or watch video of them together? Will she grieve in her own way and when we talk about family, will she include him as a part of hers? I guess we will see as we go but for now, I will continue to delight myself in what we had, not what we lost and celebrate our "girls" that make our family what it presently is today.