Jack Turpin

Never far from our mind...

2011-10-24T20:40:00.001-05:00

Is that your brother?

2011-07-11T08:54:00.004-05:00

Clerk: "Is that your brother?" pointing at Quinn who did look like a boy, she only had a white onesie on.

Kate: "Yes." turning to look at Quinn.

Clerk: "What is his name?"

Kate: "Jack."

It doesn't seem as dramatic as a type this but as I pushed our cart out of the store, tears filled my eyes. Kate is pretty talkative to people in the community at most times so I don't try to intervene unless she isn't saying anything. It was interesting to watch this conversation unfold. Kate is 100% aware that Quinn is her sister and knows who Quinn is, of course. In the mind of a 2 1/2 year old, it was probably a bit confusing when the question was asked because she knows that "brother" and "Jack" go hand-in-hand. It is so strange; almost two years later how we get little reminders of Jack. As I pulled up the blog to write this, Kate saw the top picture of Jack and Dan and said:

"Jack! Jack! I love Jack, he's in heaven." as she walks away to put her cup in the sink complete with a chocolate milk mustache.

As Kate learns more and understands this crazy world she was born into I hope that her feelings about Jack "being in heaven, hanging out with Evan" (as she always says...we don't know who Evan is and think it is just her months ago trying to say heaven) that his death seems natural and just a part of life. As I watch the sisterhood of Kate and Quinn progress and how much they love each other, I am so grateful that Jack passed away before Kate was cognitive of him being gone. Kate is so protective of Quinn, smothers her with hugs and kisses, they love to wrestle and Kate is always very aware of where Quinn is and where she should be. I can't imagine having to explain to Kate if all of a sudden she was gone. Oh, the things to be grateful for...

Jack's Heart

2011-06-06T11:51:00.002-05:00

For the Love of Christi expanded their wonderful facility and had a dedication on Saturday. We
were honored to be invited and know that because of donations made by our family and friends, that Jack's name is honored in the library room on the "Heart Wall." It was a wonderful celebration but of course, sad that it needs to expanded. We haven't been to a meeting for quite some time, it seems that with all things, life gets in the way and we're all "so busy." We were reminded of and got to see again the wonderful people that have supported us; people who were strangers listening to our story just days after Jack passed. It's amazing how some things bring people together so quickly and strangers immediately become friends who understand so well. We are so blessed to have this organization in the Austin area and are forever in debt to Don and Susan Cox for making the tragic loss of their daughter into such a positive organization that has helped numerous people.

Hangin' Around

2011-04-06T20:19:00.002-05:00

Last night Dan told me that he had a conversation with Kate where the topic of "brothers" came up. Dan asked her "Who is my brother?" and she replied "Jack." Dan explained to her that Jack is her brother and his brother is Uncle Andrew. Dan told me that he knows this was probably the first of many conversations with her about Jack that will go deeper than just "Jack's your brother. This is a picture of Jack. You and Jack had fun together..." et cetera. Tonight, I asked her who her brother is and she said "Jack" and pointed to the framed picture we have of him downstairs. The picture is up high on a ladder bookshelf type display and I couldn't believe she even knew it was there. I said "Do you know where Jack is?" and proceeded to tell her that "Jack is in heaven and he will be waiting a very long time there for you." She replied, "Jack's hanging out with Evan?" Yep Kate, it's quite possible! The sweet innocence in regards to such a tender topic makes me heart swell.

Ties and the Missing Puzzle Piece

2011-01-22T21:31:00.003-06:00

I took Quinn to Picture People today. As we were waiting, I could see into one of the photo areas. There was a little boy being photographed with a tie on who was about 6 months old. I would bring Jack to this same location and one of my favorite pictures of him EVER (and I certainly had a ton to pick from) was of him sitting with a tie on. I looked at the mom who was laughing and having a great time with him and my eyes filled with tears instantly. That used to be me! I had to stop myself from feeling jealous towards her or thinking "You don't know how good you have it" because what do I know? I have no idea what her struggles could be...Anyway, it was so unexpected and really made me think that you just never know what you have until it is gone. Or, maybe you know what you have and that you are lucky but you don' t truly and fully appreciate it until it is gone?! My loved ones got hugged a bit tighter tonight and Jack was thought of more today.
As our lives continue to develop, our family grows, we become interested in new hobbies, et cetera, the life we had with Jack becomes more distant. The empty space in the family puzzle where he should be is a shape that continues to change. It is sometimes a challenge to figure out how it fits into what we are now. How do we keep him a part of our lives that are continually changing and moving farther away from the time we did have with him? I know that Jack will NEVER be far from my heart and that our continuing to live and grow is what we should do and Jack would want us to do but sometimes it just doesn't feel right. At those times too, I remember that even a puzzle with a missing piece can be just as fun to put together.

The Chase

2010-11-11T19:40:00.004-06:00

I consider myself fortunate that my postings to this blog have become far and few inbetween...I haven't had emotions that need to spill out onto a computer about Jack and have been able to keep my head up high in ways and times I never thought possible. But, every once in awhile, something sneaks up when you don't expect it and the walls come crumbling down.
Last weekend, I needed someone to watch Kate and Quinn while I went to a meeting. I took my friend up on a standing offer to watch the girls. They have a son that Jack would play with who was younger than Jack. When I picked the girls up, he had woken up from his nap. I said "Hi!" and he responded with "Hi!" I asked "How are you?" He said "Good." I proceeded to have conversation with him and listened to him converse with all of us in the room in a way that Jack was never old enough to do. It was difficult to see this little boy who was always younger than Jack, all of a sudden, be bigger, more knowledgable, more capable of things...It made it so obvious to me that I had lost Jack, that Jack has been gone for quite sometime now, that Jack isn't here, growing, learning, et cetera...The boy asked Kate to chase him while he pushed a truck throughout the house. Kate was more than happy to oblige and they laughed and laughed while they chased eachother and played. What was odd was that the next thought didn't occur to me until I got home. I started to tell Dan, "Kate had such a great time chasing..." and I couldn't continue. The tears started coming down my face. Dan said "What's wrong? What's wrong?" and I couldn't finish. Finally I was able to say, (and by this time, Dan knew why the tears were falling), that "It should have been Jack." I felt so much sadness for Kate...that she will be denied this awesome Big Brother that she had for all to brief a time. I am more saddened that she misses that opportunity than for my missing out on watching my son grow. I cried for several minutes and then somehow was able to return to my "I am just so grateful for what I had" mentality. Needless to say, the hugs were a little tighter and longer that night as I put Kate to sleep. Ah...grief and loss...a pair I never thought I would come to know so intimately.

He is never far...

2010-10-17T14:39:00.001-05:00

Jack Turpin Blood Drive-a-rama!

2010-09-28T22:07:00.004-05:00

Our Jack Turpin Blood Drive-a-rama was a success!

What a perfect thing to do on the anniversary of losing J-Boogie...we saw so many friends and family, were able to unite with all the people we love to save lives, and introduced many people to the joy of "Hey Cupcake!" who generously donated cupcakes to all the people participating in the blood drive. We were so thrilled to have such support from everyone and seeing so many friends and family on a day that could have been sad was fantastic. Not only did people donate blood with us in Austin but friends and family who live in other cities donated (Dan and his brother ironically donated at the exact same time without knowing it) and people contacted us to let us know special things they did if they weren't able to donate blood...my cousin made cupcakes for her and her co-workers, my aunt made cupcakes for a family in their neighborhood who has a sick child, my friend sent "T3 and T2" shirts/onesies for the girls to wear and several friends purchased "Cracker Jacks" for me to give out with a thank you note to those who donated. Some people were first time donors and put aside their nerves to support us and celebrate Jack, a huge thank you to those of you...you know who you are (CT, LR, BV!!!)

When it was all said and done, we had 42 people attempt to donate and the Blood Bank was able to get 33 donations which far exceeded the original goal. The Blood Bank was ecstatic with the turnout and the success of the event. One of the staff in the van told my sister, "This is outstanding, I wasn't expecting to work so hard today." With 33 donations, we saved 66 lives. Awesome...

J-Boogie, your spirit continues to make the world a better place!

Jack Turpin Blood Drive-a-rama!

2010-08-23T20:22:00.002-05:00

To celebrate Jack and his sweet life, we will be having a blood drive as previously posted about on September 24, 2010 in Manor! The blood mobile bus is coming to ShadowGlen! If you live here and would like to join us, please do so! Jack's favorite, "Hey Cupcake!" is donating cupcakes to everyone who donates blood. Our goal is to have 30 people donate. If you live outside of Texas, feel free to donate where you live to continue giving the gift of life.
To register here...go to www.inyourhands.org
Click on "Donate Blood," the bottom orange left-hand box. On the next page that opens, there will be tabs on the right-side. About half way down, there is another "Donate Blood" tab, click there. It will then say "Step 1," and there is a space to enter a sponsor code, type "Jackturpin" (all one word), that should get you to where you need to go.
A million thanks to my fabulously talented friend, Amy Barthel, for making such great posters that capture the spirit of Jack and this event perfectly and to Ken Smith for printing posters for us to distribute! You guys are the best!

"Pinwheels Pinwheels Spinning Around..."

2010-08-16T19:24:00.004-05:00

To honor Jack on his birthday, friends brought us pinwheels to place on his bench. We went to the bench on Sunday morning and enjoyed Red Velvet Cupcakes and the ducks in the pond while placing pinwheels around his bench. It was really nice and felt like the perfect way to remember our Boogie. Thanks everyone who brought us pinwheels...so fun!

Happy Birthday Jack! (I want a John Deere!) & Monster Trucks

2010-08-14T19:35:00.005-05:00

Well,

Happy 3rd Birthday J- Boogie, it is me your dad wishing you a Happy Birthday for everyone to see and hear!! I hope you had waffles and all the cupcakes you could eat! Today we celebrate you and all you gave to us! Cheers!

It has been almost a year and I have got a lot to celebrate, perhaps not how you thought someone who has not posted in a year might think. Today I celebrate my lovely wife Kristen, Krissy, Cage etc...Without her none of this would be possible. I cannot put it into words like she has. But without her this journey would not have been possible. She gave life to Jack three years ago today and still gives life to him today! She is amazing and I do not say it enough to her, but I think it is safe to say anyone who know us knows what I mean. You can't stop her...Her perseverence and strength hold me tight when I think those longing thoughts. Thank you Cage!

Today as I think back on all my happy memories of Jack, (too many to list, see blog!) I am reminded of several things. Most often things those much wiser than I have shared. I cannot help but think of my Dad's crazy toast at our wedding...he was talking about how we are all connected, somehow someway, (don't get me wrong I was kind of lost too when he started talking about photons and quarks and other strange matter that bonds us all together.) I didn't get it then, but I do now. It is so true. For example, last night when I was putting Kate to bed, I asked her to pick out a book for us to read. Guess what she picked out? "Monster Trucks," one of Jack's favorites and one we have not read more than once before. I could not help but think that Jack was there smiling down on us helping her pick that one!

Sometimes we have to stretch to keep our sanity and memories alive but then again you never know. Or like the times on Whidbey when Dean and Shagnaugh (sp) got married and two bald eagles flew over the aisle just before they walked down. I could not help thinking then that it was those we know watching down, or when we were finishing a Christmas beach walk and all of us had stoped at the end for wine and treats and a lone bald eagle circled around, (shortly after Norman of Norman and Patti's passing). There are many example for all of us, you know them and can feel them when you are around those you love.

Another quote I like from Tuesdays With Morrie : "So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half asleep even when they are busy doing things they think are important. This is because they are chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning" ~Morrie

So, tonight I am wearing my Elmo shirt (see photos from the celebration- Thanks Ken), sipping on a cold beer, eating a Hey CupCake! Red Velvet Cupcake and thinking about my son Jack and all of the joy he has given to me and the perspective I now have on what is truly important in life. Today I celebrate with all of our wonderful family and friends, those close and far who have helped us along the way. I am amazed daily at your compassion and generousity. No matter how small the gesture, they are all greatly appreciated and are helping us lay the foundation for a great future for our family.

I can't help but be reminded of one of may favorite memories of me and Jack. Shortly after his second birthday, we were at Home Depot, Kristen was busy looking at light fixtures. Jack and I went off and found the tractor section. As you can see in the picture above, Jack rode the tractor and I am on the other side on a John Deere next to him. We pretended we were racing! Here is to pretending and the road ahead!

Cheers J Boogie!

Dad

Happy Birthday Jack!

2010-08-14T08:13:00.003-05:00

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Happy Birthday Sweet Jack!

Today Jack would have been 3 but as we know in this house, we don't think of the "What if's?" but the "Aren't we glad for what we had!" I can't believe that it has almost been a year without our Sweet Boogie. I am so proud of Dan and myself for surviving and surviving well. We haven't let this ruin us and we haven't let our spirits dampen. It has been a journey that we couldn't have traveled with just each other. To the countless people that have helped us along the way, we could never repay you enough. I will admit, it is still weird when people ask, "How many kids do you have?" How do you answer that? I tell them about Kate, about Baby T3 and say "We had a 2 year old who passed away in September BUT WE CELEBRATE HIM!" It is a true statement and avoids that awkward pause when the person doesn't know what to say. I can't blame them, I know the right words are hard to find sometimes. As I have mentioned before, even just acknowledging the loss or mentioning Jack to us makes us feel so good...it shows us that he lives on! I have a new friend that I met after Jack passed away and he told me the other day, "I feel like I know Jack." It made my heart swell.

It is almost a year later and I still have never been rolled up in a fetal position. I think of Jack and smile. I haven't been angry and I am still thrilled to have been his mom for 700 plus days. My brain still has a hard time grasping that what happened was one in a zillion, so rare it can't even be quantified. I have never let my mind go the place of "Why?" because I think that could tear us apart. I'll never have the answer so why waste the energy trying to guess at one? Let us be the one in a zillion so that we spare anyone else...we'll take one for the team for sure! I have stayed true to my belief that if I changed or allowed Jack's death to ruin me, what a double tragedy. I feel like I make Jack proud by how I have handled myself and what I didn't realize right away is that Jack will always be my son, that will never be taken away from me and that yes, losing your child changes you but that change doesn't need to be bad. I can't count the number of times I have listened to the song playing throughout the slideshow and agree that YES, "I love more, laugh more, take less time to make up my mind, go slower, love deeper, I know what I want and what I don't and I'll be better than I've ever been..." I am better than I was before and although I would do anything to have J-Boogie back, that isn't an option and being the best I can be is.

I put together this slideshow to pay tribute to my family: Dan, Jack, Kate and Baby T3. I wanted to show that despite this crazy year, we still laugh, we still celebrate, there is joy in our house and we haven't let this tragedy ruin us. For that, I am so proud. Thank you to Cindy Bullens for writing this amazing song after the death of her 11 year old daughter. It has pulled me into brighter lights and for that I am forever grateful.

Jack, I wish we were busy decorating for your party today and that Dad had your Superman Cape on you, ready to take you for your "Guys morning" of Waffle House and a trip to "Toys R US" to pick out a toy. I know that "Doddy" (as you would say) had such a great time with you last year while I decorated for your party and that it was a tradition in the making. For now, my mind will be at ease knowing that wherever you are has to be a wonderful place. I am sure your face is covered with cream cheese frosting from your Red Velvet Cupcakes and that you are surrounded by all those friends and family that have gone before us. Eat as many as you want! Enjoy your day and know that we love you and miss you but believe that we will be reunited again. In fact, maybe the joke is on us, we're still going to work, paying taxes, concerned about the oil spill and I think you're in a 5 star resort! We love you J-Boogie and continue to be so grateful for you...XOXO, Mom, Dad and Kate

P.S. If the video doesn't appear, hit refresh.

Mark your calendars!!!

2010-07-08T20:11:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking about Jack's birthday and what we want to do to celebrate him. I thought the perfect idea was sometime around his birthday (which is close to the day we lost him) Dan and I would donate blood every year. I shared this idea with my friend who works at the Blood Bank and while he thought it was a good idea, he said we could take it a step further!

What is the grand idea you say??? On Friday, September 24th, we will be having a "Jack Turpin" blood drive! If you are a blood donor, please consider joining us or...if you live out of state and give blood, take time to donate in honor of Jack where you live. What better gift then to give life! We will have a mobile van that will be in honor of Jack that will be coming to Manor and all blood donors will receive a "Hey Cupcake!" cupcake after donating! (Of course!) I need 20 people for them to come out so if you would like to join us, please let me know! I really want this to be a success!

First Annual Jack Turpin Cupcake Eating Contest

2010-07-08T20:00:00.003-05:00

It is tradition for a group of my college friends and family to get together every 4th of July. This year was no exception and it was also the scene of the "First Annual Jack Turpin Cupcake Eating Contest." My parents came up with the idea since Jack loved his Red Velvet Cupcakes. The "entry fee" was $20.00 and all proceeds are being matched by my friends work (Woo Hoo! Thanks!!!) and will be given to "For the Love of Christi" which is a free support group for grieving families and people in Austin. If you are a blog follower, you are familiar with this organization as they have provided immense support to me and Dan since losing Jack and I have sung their praises many times. Dan and I were so touched my parents did this and that everyone was so eager to participate. Jack lives on not only in our hearts but in other peoples!! How cool!!! (I think that one of the hardest things about losing a child is that you are afraid other people will forget them...please don't!)

We walked outside to find a poster of Jack hanging above the table where the eating was held and gorgeous looking Red Velvet cream-filled cupcakes. Leave it to my mother...she had to have been Martha Stewart in another life. We had groups of three that raced to eat the cupcake without hands (Kate was able to use hers!) as quickly as they could...I think the winning time was somewhere around 4 seconds or so...impressive! It was a fantastic idea and allowed for the perfect time, setting and activity to acknowledge Jack and to continue celebrating him.

For the Love of Christi costs about $600 per day to operate and we are thrilled that because of this event, a day of costs will be covered because of Jack Turpin and our wonderful friends and family!

Oh how my heart hurts...

2010-07-08T19:47:00.002-05:00

I don't publish this post to make anyone feel sorry for me but oh, how my heart hurt when I saw this video. I am very familiar with all the photos and videos I have of Jack. When I was uploading some photos to the internet last night, I came across some old photos that Dan had uploaded off of his phone. Not expecting to see them and not knowing that some of them even existed was an unexpected trip down memory lane. I had tears flowing when I clicked on the first picture. The timing was probably pretty bad too since we were just coming back from a family vacation that he was at last year which made his absence so obvious. I clicked on this video and listened to him crying out/asking for me...oh Jack, how I do the same now. I have no recollection of this time and don't know why Dan would have been videotaping...I would like to think that I am off to Jack's right side as he seems to be looking that way and that I gave him a big hug right after Dan hit "off." Who knows?

Does Jack hear me cry out for him and feel sad too? Have our roles reversed? I spend so much time thinking about where Jack is, if he is anywhere and have figured out that I am pretty comfortable believing there is a heaven. I think all my loved ones that have already made the journey are with Jack and that the joke will be on us...we will arrive to heaven to meet all of our loved ones who went before us and realize they were living the high life while we were stuck in traffic, going to work, worrying if we were having a good hair day or not and if we'll have enough money for retirement. While I think about these things, (although I don't have to worry too much about a good or bad hair day, they are almost ALL BAD), I hope that Jack is waiting patiently, knowing we will be reunited and enjoying his time doing all the things he loved. Take a dip in the pool for me tonight and have an extra Red Velvet cupcake for me J-Boogie! I can't wait to see you again...

Rocket Club - One More Day - Official Video

2010-06-20T21:04:00.001-05:00

So, my sweet little Jack is continuing to do things after he has passed that we haven't ever done...check out this video that Jack is "in." Love it. Should it be a surprise that the first time we watched it I could feel my own tears down my cheeks and Dan's hitting my arm as he stood behind me? Thanks Rocket Club for honoring Jack and asking us to use his photograph. Our pleasure!!!

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T20:16:00.003-05:00

Today we missed Jack a lot. Celebrating fatherhood after losing a child is bittersweet, not only for the Dad's but for the Mom's too. As hard as we try to make the day special, there is still the elephant in the room, the brief tears amongst so much to celebrate. We thought about Jack a lot today and for me, I couldn't help but thinking how he would be running around wild and crazy with Kate today. I felt cheated that it wouldn't happen and allowed myself to feel that for brief moments before checking in again and being grateful for all that we have. I noticed that Kate is starting to have a tan and swimsuit marks like Jack, although, Jack would have been a "Bronze God" by this point. I always loved that he would have stripes on the back of his neck from his tiny rolls of skin, stripes of white and tan where the sun would and wouldn't hit. I know it won't be long before Kate and Baby T3 (as we refer to her) will be engaging in their own silly games and the laughter will multiply in this house. Baby T3 will reside in Jack's room and it was strange to see a closet filled with pink clothes. We have finished decorating (so cute) and I would like to think that Jack will be keeping an extra special eye on Baby T3 as she enters the world. I know walk into that room and think "Baby T3" which is great.

The pictures in this blog are of the birdhouse we decorated while at Faith's Lodge, the retreat in Northern Wisconsin for families who have lost a child or have a child who is terminally ill. It is the most beautiful place but I would blackball anyone from "qualifying to attend." Today was the perfect day to hang it in our front yard and celebrate our little boogie who we continue to love as much today as yesterday.

Coconut Cowabunga Shampoo

2010-06-04T07:03:00.003-05:00

It is strange the things that make you think about your lost loved one. Some time has passed now since Jack died, I don't do the math and truly don't know how long it has been. I really have to think if I were to figure it out. Why count? It's never going to bring him back and it will only be a reminder of how long I have lived without him. I try not to let dates control my feelings and as a wise and super cute Nate Berkus on Oprah said "I don't let the dates have power." (He lost his partner in the tsunami years ago) I have settled into my "new life" without Jack. Sometimes it is comfortable, sometimes not so much. I must say that the comfortable times are much more prevalent than the uncomfortable ones and for that I am grateful. The funny thing about death is it is one thing in life you can't change. I can't control it and I know that I will never have him back. As those thoughts may cause one to lose it, for some reason, it usually brings me comfort.

However, I had an uncomfortable moment at the most unusual time yesterday. (It always comes when you least expect it...ah Grief! You got me again. Darn you!) I was in the shampoo aisle and saw the shampoo I had been using for Jack, Suave Kids Coconut Cowabunga Shampoo. I smelled it and was instantly transported in my mind to bath-time and how he loved playing in the water. I could hear his laugh, I could almost feel the water hitting me as it spilled out of the tub, and for the first time since his death, I could physically feel on my fingertips his hair and what it felt like when I washed it. I could feel the courseness of his fine blond hair and wanted nothing more at that moment to be able to hug him, see him and hear that wonderful laugh of his and how he would say "MommyMommyMommy" without taking a breath in between words. Who knew a $1 bottle of shampoo could evoke such emotion? I had to settle for my memories and take comfort that someday soon, I will be able to wash Kate's hair with the same bottle and laugh with her as she splashes, pours water on me and enjoys a bath just as much as her brother!

Mother's Day

2010-05-10T19:51:00.004-05:00

I know that so many people were thinking of my family on Mother's Day and I appreciate all the kind thoughts and words that were sent our way. We ended up spending the day and prior evening in the hospital with Kate who had an unexplained high fever which caused much concern because of Jack's mysterious and fast demise. Medical professionals become very concerned about Miss Kate when something looks slightly off. We appreciate it and know for them, we have to be a scary family to work with! I had visions of relaxing all day, celebrating both Jack, Kate and Baby T3 and how I am so lucky to be a mother to my children...past, present, and future! But as I have learned, life doesn't always go as planned. After getting home from the hospital in the middle of the afternoon after one hour of sleep, I told Dan, "I get a rain check on Mother's Day."
When I crawled into bed at night, I found a few surprises on under my pillow..the most touching, a card from "Jack." Dan had found a Mother's Day card that had a "Hummingbird" on it with a description of the Hummingbird in it. It read:

"Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation."

I thought this was so beautiful, poignant and made Jack seem like a hummingbird to me. In Jacks' card to me, "Jack" wrote among many things that "Life is a continuum and I will see you again. In moments of silence and beauty, I will help guide you and will always love you. Please have a Hey Cupcake! Red Velvet for me. Love you! Jack"

Do I have an awesome family or what?!

What was HE like?

2010-04-24T17:53:00.004-05:00

I was at a party with a friend of mine that I have made since Jack died. I met her because she was one of the complete strangers who signed up to bring us food the weeks after everything happened. (For two months food was brought to us almost everynight. It was amazing) I am still amazed that people would do that...bring food to a family who is grieving, that they have never met before. Who wants to voluntarily walk into so many unknowns...? I learned through my amazing neighbors and people in the community that many people do! They taught me to never hesitate if I am doing something out of kindness or compassion for another person.
Who would think that I would make a good friend out of it? But, I did! And, it's fantastic...she is having a baby girl a few weeks before me, she loves Kate, I love her boys and her husband and her make great company! Who could ask for more from a family just a minute walk away?
Anyway...what leads me to this post is while at the party, we were talking about her boys and Kate. She turned and asked me "What was Jack like?" It made me so happy! Not only is Jack alive in my mind but others as well. He is not living and yet people still want to know about him and hear what made him crazy and fun. (And, she wasn't afraid to ask!) She had no idea what those four words meant to me and how it made my heart swell and my lips form a huge smile to know that someone besides me, Dan, my close family was still interested in him. There is a culture/saying/proverb (can't remember which) that says we die two deaths...one, when we die and two, when people forget that we existed. I never want Jack to die the second death!
You know who you are...thanks a million for making my day!
P.S. I could go on for hours about what Jack was like but I mentioned just a few good things to her; including his energy, his love for life, how he always seemed to be happy and loved to wrestle with this Dad. We miss you J-Boogie!

Ack! Ack!

2010-04-11T20:29:00.006-05:00

My mom gave Kate a picture frame when Jack was still alive that says "My Big Brother Loves Me" on the top. We have it on display with a picture of Jack and Kate together in Kate's room. Every once in awhile I will point to the picture and say "That is Jack, That is Kate." I also have pictures in my wallet of Dan and Jack (Kate too!). Yesterday Kate was playing with my wallet and flipping through the pictures. I pointed to Dan's picture and said "Who is this?" Kate said "Dadda!" I then pointed to the pictures of Jack and said "Who is this?" My heart melted when she said "Ack!"

I couldn't believe that she knew his name and even said it with an emphasis (she is growing up too!), almost like she knew we say JACK! with an exclamation mark at the end. My eyes welled up and I don't know if it made me sad or happy, probably both.

Sad that she will never remember Jack. Sad that she was cheated out of the opportunity to have a big brother protecting her and making sure her boyfriends treat her right in high school. She is cheated out of an older brother who will push her down and skin her knees, who will teach her to build forts and to pick her boogers and wipe them on eachother. She will never have teachers that say "Oh, you're Jack's little sister" or have the pleasure of personally knowing what an awesome, fun and energetic person Jack was.

I was happy that she recognized him, even if just in a picture. Happy that Jack will be a part of her life, just in a very different way then we expected. Happy that Dan and I have the responsibility from early on to teach her about the value of life and that death is not to be feared. What a great responsibility for us and one that will take some figuring out when the time comes. If there is a heaven, there are many wonderful people waiting to greet us again, including JACK! It made me happy that I am confident in Dan and my raising of Kate that she will not grow up thinking she needs to "compare" to Jack or "be like" Jack or worry that she was never "good enough." Without effort, we have grown to love Kate even more for all the things that make Kate Kate, which are quite different than the things that made Jack Jack.

I wonder if she will ask us questions about him when she is older, will she want to see pictures or watch video of them together? Will she grieve in her own way and when we talk about family, will she include him as a part of hers? I guess we will see as we go but for now, I will continue to delight myself in what we had, not what we lost and celebrate our "girls" that make our family what it presently is today.

Vroooom Vroooom!

2010-04-02T13:32:00.000-05:00

You never realize how often you see emergency vehicles on the road until there is something personal to associate them with. It took six months but I now can look at Austin/Travis County EMS vehicles and instead of shuddering, I smile and think, “There goes those amazing people who worked so hard to save our son. God speed to whoever you are helping next.”

Faith's Lodge

2010-03-29T14:25:00.003-05:00

Our family was sponsored by a group of selfless individuals in Minnesota to spend the weekend at “Faith’s Lodge” in Northern Wisconsin. They had learned of our story through a friend and chose us as the first family they would like to help. What a selfless act from people we have never even met! A million thanks does not convey our gratitude enough.
Faith’s Lodge is a place for families who have lost a child or whose child is terminally ill. We were able to spend the weekend with other families in our same situation and had an immediate connection with them. What an amazing time it was!
The history of Faith’s Lodge as well as pictures can be found on the website, I could try to do it justice by describing it but I would fail. It was simply divine and no detail was left out. Please check out this amazing organization and keep them in mind if you learn of families that may benefit from attending (www.faithslodge.org) or ever want to donate to a fantastic cause.
It was so wonderful for us to have the time to spend away from barking dogs, laundry, work, traffic et cetera. We spent lots of time in the kids play room (Kate’s favorite), doing arts and crafts, hiking, making s’mores by the campfire, and sharing our story and the story of JACK! with the other families.
We made a “Heart Stone” which involved choosing a stone and painting it in honor of your loved one to be placed along the “Path of Inspiration” at the lodge. When we arrived, we went hiking and picked out a large rock that we brought back to wash and paint. We were later told that we needed to return it because those were used for the retaining wall. If they had ever met Jack, they would know why we wanted a large rock instead of one that would fit in the palm of your hand. We painted Jack’s rock (a smaller one that we found) a bright sea blue and placed it next to a small pine tree that looked bright and effervescent amid the brown colors awaiting the coming of spring. Of course, while choosing the spot, placing it and taking a moment to take a few deep breaths, Kate kept busy picking up other rocks and moving them. The Heart Stone which came from Lake Superior is supposed to represent the journey of grief…sometimes there are rough waters, sometimes smooth but despite the tough journey from the bottom of the lake to the shore, it made it! Just like us! We’re making it…
In the center of the lodge was a table to place photos of your loved one. Of course I could not choose just one picture of the J-Boogie so I had an accordion style photo book with 16 pictures. Everyone commented on his smile when looking at his pictures and I loved having his picture on display in a place where people didn’t think it was “weird” or think “that poor family” or “that’s the boy that died.” We felt so bonded to the other families and I knew that to them, a piece of Jack was still alive, as the spirit of their children was to us. It was a place to feel connected to Jack while we enjoyed our new “norm” of our family being three (for 5 more months anyway!).
I realized while we were there that a weight lifted off my shoulders. When going to Faith’s Lodge and knowing we were going because of Jack, for whatever reason, I felt like I would relive everything. I realized as we were there that we never have to relive that awful evening or those tumultuous days that came after ever again. Each day that goes by puts me farther away from that awful time. The story does not change, it gets easier to tell and our “new norm” is more normal everyday. Everyday that goes by I am working through it and healing more. Some people may see it as “But you haven’t had him for so long.” I see it as “The more days I continue to survive after that time/trauma/devastating event that could have crushed me, my family, my marriage and my spirit and I didn’t allow it, the better! I choose to celebrate Jack and all our great memories!” (I like to think this makes Jack proud of his family.) I know that tragedy can strike our family at anytime but I will never lose Jack again. In realizing that, it has opened my heart and my head even more to embrace who Jack was, the memories we had with him and to be filled with love instead of sadness and grief. “That Night” (which is how I refer to that awful time) has lost so much power as I realized this. Yes! Of course the tears still come but not as frequent and not with the intensity as before. The power of the mind is an amazing thing and not something that I will ever take for granted.

Elmo Mafia

2010-02-10T15:38:00.001-06:00

When my Dad was packing to come to Austin moments after learning the devastating news, he knew he would need a tie. He looked in his closet and saw a tie that had pool balls all over it. He told himself “This is it! This is what Jack would want me to wear.” Not the most stylish tie and a bit loud but Dad hit it on the spot. Jack certainly would have picked that tie over any other. This story gave us the idea to encourage others to do the same. When we had Jack’s celebration we had posted on the blog for people to wear something bright or fun, something that screamed “Jack!” We encouraged people to pick something out of your closet that Jack would have if he were helping you to get dressed. It was the perfect idea which came from my Dad. We didn’t need anymore darkness that day and the bright colors and fun outfits that people wore were a refreshing change from your typical attire for something of this nature.

I couldn’t believe the outpouring of support and people that came to the celebration. I was afraid too many chairs were set up when we got there and couldn’t believe that people continued to flood in and that there was standing room only. It certainly taught me that if you are ever considering going to a celebration/wake/funeral but are unsure whether you will be received well, you will. Our friends were sweating and working so hard to set everything up, to make it just how we envisioned.

As the celebration was getting ready to begin, I was feeling so nervous. What was going on? What were Dan and I doing here? This was one occasion that I did not want to be the “host” but here we were. We reviewed everything with Pastor Brian and then knew we needed to start. We walked to the front of the pavilion and looked out at everyone that had congregated with us. I was trying to hold myself together and to breathe deeply. I wanted to fall over and then I looked out past everyone sitting in chairs to the little hill that people had to walk down to get to the pavilion. It was like slow motion…a group of Dan’s friends had gone to Wal-Mart earlier in the day and found Adult Elmo Shirts. They were bright red and had Elmo’s face on them. They bought them all. They were all wearing them under their suits/jackets/blazers. It was like the “Elmo Mafia.” In an instant, I was smiling and felt so much better. I thought “People got it!” People understood that we were here to celebrate Jack and his sweet life. People weren’t afraid to go outside the box and knew that we would love it. They knew Jack well enough to know that Elmo was a favorite and were doing something to honor what we had requested. I was so touched by this and 4 months later, often I think of that moment and get a huge smile on my face. Thanks so much you guys…you have no idea how much it meant to me. “Money well spent” is a gross understatement.

Some questions can't be answered by Google

2010-02-10T11:23:00.003-06:00

Of all the places you see your name; there are certain places you just don’t ever want to see it. There are the obvious places, on a list of people who are delinquent on their mortgage or America’s most wanted list. You don’t want to see your name on a late payment, a “flight is cancelled” email or a pink slip. But, I can say with the upmost certainty that the last place a parent wants to see their name is on their child’s death certificate. After waiting for 4 months to hopefully have an answer to “What in the world happened to our sweet Jack?” we received what may be the only answer we will receive. It still boggles my mind that I am receiving my child’s death certificate. I should be getting reports of how long his nap was at daycare and how many times he used the potty, how much he ate and new words that he learned. What an entirely different kind of document to get. I couldn’t help but notice that they listed the deceased person’s age on the certificate. Did the person typing in Jack’s information do a double-take? Did they think a number was missing on either side of the number “2?” Did it make them catch their breath and think “Thank God this isn’t my family?”

The Medical Examiner wrote the cause of death as “Pulmonary Hemorrhaging of Unknown Etiology.” Basically, Jack’s lungs filled with blood, causing him to suffocate while sleeping. Some crazy virus took over and reeked havoc. Do we know why/what/how? No, and we probably won’t ever know. The Medical Examiner was hoping that an “expert panel of Doctors” would look at Jack’s tissue to see if they could see something he couldn’t. The Medical Examiner claims that this group kept putting him off and he finally gave up on them. I know that learning more of Jack’s death is only top priority to two people and unfortunately, Dan and I didn’t have the clout we needed or even the opportunity to try to contact this “expert panel” to plead our case. Clearly, this group of doctors never met Jack and had no idea what a vivacious, fun, sweet, crazy little boy he was. If they had, I have to believe they would have done whatever they could to help us solve this puzzle.

Jack’s death continues to be something that no one understands. As frustrating as that is, I can see a silver lining. It was fast and he most likely didn’t have pain. There is no one to blame and nothing could have stopped it. It is a comfort to know that our pediatrician thinks it happened “very fast” and that Jack most likely didn’t suffer at all. I am continually filled with gratitude to Adam Stevenson and Woody Green, the EMS responders who worked tirelessly on Jack for 45 minutes before pronouncing him dead. At the time, we didn’t know that when I found Jack, he had already passed. The responders had to have known this yet fought for Jack as if they were fighting for their own life. This could have been no small task as Dan pleaded with Jack to live in a tone filled with such desperation and I paced the house having no idea what was happening and what to do. Both EMS responders left our house crying which solidified to me that they understood that although Jack was only two, he was as much a person as an adult.

As Jack’s body lost the fight to whatever this virus was that I continue to curse, I hope Jack was having sweet dreams of swimming, cupcakes and sunshine shining on his face while he completed his journey on this earth. It is still amazing to think that as this was happening, I was about 20 feet away, in another room watching Oprah on TIVO and eating a Lean Cuisine pizza, having no idea that my world was falling apart. Dan was downstairs cleaning a vacuum. We live life not knowing what/how/when things could suddenly change. Perhaps this is a good thing as we cannot live in fear and change is not always bad. We must remember to live each moment to the fullest. I have no regrets about my time with Jack. I know that he knew he was loved, adored, respected and cared for in the best way possible for our family. I know that Dan and I didn’t waste a day with our sweet boy…how sweet it is.

HOT ROCK!

2010-02-09T15:48:00.000-06:00

A week or so ago a little girls bike caught my eye outside of a Goodwill. Since we had Jack, Dan and I always look at the bikes at the thrift store, looking for a great find. Not a Huffy or Magna, but a really good quality bike for our kids. The bike that caught my eye was a Specialized brand "Hot Rock!" that was pink in color with dogs on it. I loved that it didn’t have Barbie or Princesses on it and it was in great shape. I wasn’t sure what size it was but knew Kate probably couldn’t use it until she was probably 4 years old. I bought it without hesitation and knew in that moment that I finally had faith that Kate would live… that she would enjoy this bike even if she can’t use it until she is 4. In my reality, my children pass away when they are two. I have been a parent for almost 3 years but don’t know what it is like to have a child older than 2. Since Jack’s passing I have thought that the same will happen with Kate because that is what we know. As each day goes by and I wake Kate from her sweet slumber in the morning, my faith is renewed that perhaps Jack’s passing was a freak thing. We all knew Jack was one in a million, why should his death be any different? I can’t wait to watch Dan teach Kate how to use her bike and to see her ride off into the sunset with a huge smile. I just hope she doesn’t go too far, we’re not ready to let her go just yet.

Tax Break

2010-02-09T15:40:00.001-06:00

Today I filled out a form for our tax preparer. It asked for us to list our children and include how long they lived with us in 2009. Stab me in the back and kick me while I am down. An innocent question for most that requires no thought at all was like a dagger in my back. I actually had to think about this question in relation to Jack. This should have been a no-brainer for me, I should have been able to type in “12” and continue on my merry way. As I typed 9 months onto the form, I couldn’t see the screen through my tears. Sometimes the reality sneaks up on you when you least expect it and the gravity of the situation hits you. Thoughts of frustration, sadness, and “Do I really continue to live this reality day in and day out? filled my brain, all because of a tax form. Is there a special tax break for parents who are grieving their child? Do we get an exemption for suffering one of life’s greatest losses? Instead of donating money to a presidential fund on our taxes, can we donate money to prevent this from happening to anyone else? I would like to think we “took one for the team,” that team being all our family and friends but we know we can guarantee no such thing. As we progress though this journey some minutes/days/hours are easier than others but we seem to still be fighting the fight with grief. Darn it…grief won again. Someday I am going to be the winner. I am not giving up yet.

The Circle of Life

2010-01-25T17:21:00.002-06:00

It's the Circle of Life

And it moves us all

Through despair and hope

Through faith and love

Till we find our peace

On the path unwinding

In the Circle

The Circle of Life

-The Lion King

If my social work training serves me correctly, it is recommended that after going through a major life change, one should wait a year before making any other significant changes. Dan and I certainly didn't follow this suggestion the year we moved to Austin and have seemed to do pretty well. Within one year we moved, got engaged, started new jobs, got married and bought a home.

I write because we aren't following it now! We have been blessed with a baby who will be joining our family on or around August 24, 2010. Exactly 11 months after the worst day of our lives. Amazing. We are 10 weeks along and all are doing great. I am weepy at times but that is to be expected. (In a way in my mind, I am 50% past, grieving and 50% future, baby. Weird. No wonder I can be a slobbering mess sometimes.) I try to figure out if it is hormones/pregnancy/grief? Who knows? It is probably a bit of both.

Of course, Dan and I are ecstatic. It happened quickly and without difficulty. Our family can grow again. Kate will have a sibling. We get to experience the miracle of life again. We get to parent a new child. I get to shop for baby clothes and beg for foot rubs from Dan. Having a baby is the only way I can get three months "off" from work (ha!).

However, this pregnancy comes with a different bag of tricks. At first I thought, "I am cheating on Jack." I asked my friend who quickly stopped me and said "Jack would want this." She is right and I haven't given it a second thought. He would want this and I would like to think that he probably had something to do with this quick development! Will we expect this child to look like Jack, act like Jack or even worse, want this child to BE Jack? I think knowing is half the battle and even being aware of the possibility of these thoughts/expectations/feelings will stop us and remind us to honor this child for the unique person they will be.

What has struck me most throughout this was my Mom saying "That you and Dan are willing to risk this love again is such a testament to you, you both, and the love you have for Jack." Yes, it certainly feels like a risk...we aren't naive enough to think that lightening can't strike twice. The odds are in our favor but how many people experience what we did? Thank goodness not many children lose their child within minutes/hours from an unknown cause? Our odds were pretty good for that too and look what happened...We still don't know what took over Jack's sweet body that fateful night. Does it cross my mind when I put Kate to bed or when I wake her in the morning that it could happen to her? Without a doubt. Do we have to worry about our genes and the genetic makeup of both Kate and this baby? Who knows? Luckily, we have competent medical professionals who are working on that piece.

The Circle of Life continues in the Turpin house and for that we are grateful. For now, we will celebrate life and all that it encompasses. The good, the bad, the ugly, the blissful moments, the breaking moments and all that comes in between.

Sweet Dreams

2010-01-23T19:53:00.004-06:00

I have been so palpably missing Jack lately. It seems that I have cried everyday for two weeks straight and being in the car is the worst. What is it about being alone in your car that makes the tears and sad thoughts come down like rain in Seattle? We have had to do extra wash because every t-shirt of Dan's is covered in dry tears and snot from my crying on his chest/shoulder/neck and/or cheeks. When we started going to "For the Love of Christi," they warned us of DWG's...driving while grieving. They said "Sometimes you're going to have to pull over." They weren't kidding.

I went to a counselor for the first time through this whole thing this week. It was nice to talk to someone who wasn't emotionally involved or connected. I felt so much better after leaving and can visit with her again if I need to. I showed her a picture of Jack and she commented on his spark and smile...amazing that people who have never met him can get such an accurate read from a photograph.

I thought it was important to mention seeing a counselor. Throughout this process people comment on "how strong" I have been. Like "being strong" is a compliment or something "good" to be. I know what people really are trying to convey is their admiration. When people say it though, I feel a bit uncomfortable. I know what I am like all the time and no, I am not strong all the time. (Although I firmly believe that there is strength in asking for help and knowing your limitations. We take our cars in for tune-ups without a stigma, why is there such a stigma when we need a tune up for our thoughts/emotions/feelings?) I have amazed myself at times with my ability to see the silver lining in the clouds and to laugh when it seems there is nothing to do but cry! But, in my continuing promise to remain raw, open and honest about this process, I must mention that I am certainly not afraid to break down/freak out/ask for help/et cetera. I have had to do a lot of that lately. I do have my weak moments and it is as important to me to be as open and honest about those as the times thoughout this that I am doing ok. Grief is certainly not a game with a score card. And if it were a game, I am certain that no one would show up to play! Grief would win anyway.

I had my first dream of Jack last week. In my dream we were at the neighborhood pool and he was there, swimming away by himself doing somersaults and having a blast. He was a bit bigger yet his smile was the same. He saw us and swam up to us with excitement (he could swim on his own now!) and was so happy to see us. He had on his navy blue and red lobster swim trunks. In my dream, I hugged him and finally breathed a sigh of relief. "Ah, life is back to normal. The past four months were just a test, a cruel joke, all this time he really was going to come back." He played with Kate and they both laughed as he splashed her. It was like he had never been gone. In my dream, I could feel my body relaxing, like a 300 pound weight had finally been lifted off my shoulder.

How powerful. Are dreams meant to be interpreted or are they just a crazy recollection of all the thoughts/images/experiences that you had over the day? Are awesome dreams worth being startled awake by an alarm clock reminding you that reality is waiting?

I would like to think that it was Jack's way of telling me that he is well and doing fine. That someday, we will all be together again as if this separation never happened. Although I woke with an even deeper longing for him to be here, I will continue to try to be so grateful for what I had. Easier said than done but thank goodness for such great family and friends that are yet to turn me away when I call at all hours. Miraculously they understand me through all my tears...I don't know how they do it!

Jack's Bench!

2010-01-13T21:04:00.004-06:00

Jack's bench is here! Located at East Metropolitan Park in Manor, TX in the back by the basketball courts, playground and pond.

It took my breath away the first time I saw it. The Travis County park staff were wonderful in helping this become a reality and could not have been more accomodating! Thank you to Kurt and Robert!

Weighing in at 447 pounds, it couldn't be more perfect. It is 8 feet long, bright green in color with a plaque built into the backrest. We were able to put it in the ideal location, facing the water and the playground visible. We hope it will be a great reminder to all who rest there to enjoy life and live it to the fullest.

A million thanks to our friends and family whose generosity made this happen. We hope you will have a chance to see it for yourself and to enjoy its beauty and energy. For now, enjoy the photos.

A perfect end to 2009

2010-01-01T08:59:00.003-06:00

It should be no surprise that the end of 2009 was a relief in this house! Let 2010 be full of joy, health, happiness and sweet memories!
The City of Austin has an event called "First Night Austin" on New Years Eve. It is an eclectic mix of artists, food, fireworks, snow, exhibits, performances and a Grand Procession. It is all alcohol free and family focused. The perfect thing for our little family when you have a kiddo that needs to go to bed early! For the Love of Christi, the support group we attend, was asked to march in the parade. A local art class made large purple hearts for us to carry, signs and pictures of doves. We were told to bring a picture of our loved one to march with. The timing could not have been more perfect for us. We weren't sure what we were going to do and it seemed so fitting to have one last tribute to J-Boogie right before we said "Adios!" to 2009. Lourdes and Duane joined us to march in Jack's honor and I walked with such pride and love for our little boogie down Congress Avenue. The capital was lit up in the background, 1000's of people were lined the streets as we held high our sweet picture of JACK! A stranger yelled "Go Jack!" as we walked by...if they only knew how much that made our night. It was a great celebration and I was so happy to be able to show Jack's smiling face to so many people.
Happy 2010 Everyone!

Go Directly to Jail, Do not pass GO!

2009-12-30T17:34:00.003-06:00

I thought grief was giving me a free pass…like “Do not pass go, go directly to jail.” Like “I will visit you during the day but give you a break at night.” I thought grief maybe had an ounce of compassion, like “At least let this poor woman sleep at night. We make her fight us enough during the day.” Last night, I learned that is not the case and grief should not be given the benefit of the doubt. I speak of grief like it is a horrible villain or lice that your kids come home with from school. It just won’t go away, it’s hard to see with the human eye and to fight it is near impossible, disgusting, and something no one wants to deal with or take on. Like lice, grief has somewhat of a social stigma too. Only THOSE people get lice. Right? (For the record, I did have lice in second grade, although I will claim that my sister had it first, I did have it. Nasty.) Who knows how to appropriately deal with someone who is grieving or if you really got lice off of all soft surfaces in your house? How do I even know how to deal with myself sometimes?
I woke up to dogs barking and couldn’t go back to sleep last night. Of course, this was at 2:45 am and it annoyed me to no end. I started thinking about friend’s blogs I had looked at before heading to bed. Many of my friends have kids that are Jack’s age and their children continue to grow older, develop, acquire new skills and are not doing the same things that I equate with Jack. Some of the kids are now older than Jack was. The pictures I saw of our friends and their families were rightfully filled with joy, opening presents and celebrating the holidays. I would want it no different for them, although, it was bittersweet for me to see. Three months have gone by and children have advanced past the stage Jack was and that I know. No longer is Jack just like the kids I would associate with him. That started the tears and made it seem so real that he was gone. I really had this palpable missing of him. Throughout my crying bout it didn’t seem real that he wasn’t down the hall…I tried so hard to believe that if I went to his room, I would open the door and clunk into him as would happen the last month of his life. He would get out of bed and fall asleep on his side of the door. I would check on him and carry him into bed. I miss how fun he was, I miss his energy and his curiosity. I miss reading “Goodnight Moon” to him and him putting his index finger to his lips to whisper “hush” with the old lady. I miss the joy he brought into my life and how he was always happy.
I have had enough respite since “that day” of only taking care of one child. At first it was like “Wow, this is so easy again.” I don’t want easy and I never wanted easy. I want hard back…I want a crazy toddler (JACK!) that is all over the place, laughing and wrestling with his Dad. I want Jack to crawl in and out of the dog door and drink more milk than anyone, play playdough with me after coming home from daycare and grab diapers for me when it is time to change Kate’s diaper.
It’s hard at vulnerable times like this to avoid the toxic question…Why? I had to make more of an effort to not ask that last night and continue down the path I chose. When it happened and still now, I see it as there being two paths…
1. Complete devastation, anger, and asking why. The not-brushing-my-teeth and getting out of bed, the anger taking over me and being bitter.
OR
2. I can’t change this so I accept it and I will celebrate him. Even though at times, I will acknowledge that this really stinks.
I have embraced path number two (not easily) but have learned through these months of grieving that even that path is not void of boulders, humps, landmines and rocky spaces. Thank goodness for a husband that hugs me, spoons me and rocks with me in the middle of the night as he hears a sound coming from me that only he and I truly understand and make. The noise…a guttural helpless cry that sounds so pathetic…It is amazing that even at those times he loves me more than the moment before and continues to do so.

Big Wheel

2009-12-24T13:31:00.003-06:00

Thank you to the many of you that have contacted us over the past few days, dropping off nice cards, a pointsettia, ornaments in memory of Jack to hang on our tree, texts, calls, et cetera!
It is Christmas Eve and we are doing well. Kate decided that she only needed a 30 minute nap so we kept busy while Dan was at work making "Christmas Cranberry Corn Muffins" for the dogs. They are in need of some TLC and I know the way to Finn and Murphy's heart is through food. Although, Murphy would settle for any kind of petting.
Christmas will be as usual this year! Yes, we have decked our halls in boughs of holly and have a beautiful tree and stockings hanging from the mantle. Some people have asked "Are you going to do all of that this year?" Of course! Then they will say, "Well, of course you are, you have do it for Kate." Yes, we do need to do it for Kate but we need and want to do it for ourselves too! I am still living, in fact, I am living better than I probably was before "that day" since we were taught at such a high price how valuable life and each day is.
I received a text today saying, "I can't believe it's been three months, thinking of you." I took it as a good sign that I didn't even realize that...I just thought of today as today!
Merry Christmas Everyone, have a fabulous evening and wonderful day tomorrow.
And for our little J-Boogie, I hope wherever you are...that you get a Big Wheel for Christmas! I would have done anything to have you here to buy you one myself. XOXO.

Rememberance Service

2009-12-24T13:13:00.002-06:00

For the Love of Christi hosted a wonderful Rememberance Service two weekends ago. They had a huge Christmas tree where we all hung pictures of our loved ones...I must admit that hanging Jack's picture brought many tears to my eyes...if you look close enough at his heart, you can see that Kate was trying to eat it before we found the perfect spot on the very full tree...We found a great spot to hang the photo of Jack and were comforted by the wonderful messages and music that made the event so special. We learned that it costs $616 A DAY for the center to run and we are so very grateful to the donors and funders that make this service available. As founders Don and Susan Cox say, "The price you pay to come here is already to high." Yes, it certainly was high indeed but we are so grateful for all the unconditional love and suppor we have received. If you are ever in search of a charitable organization to volunteer or donate to, we know we have our bias but we say "For the Love of Christi!" www.fortheloveofchristi.com

Dogs Love and Dogs Know...

2009-12-16T14:07:00.005-06:00

Do dogs have human feelings? Do dogs know when we're hurting? Do they wish they had words to use to let us know they feel our pain or wish to take it away? Did Murph and Finn know that something was wrong with Jack before we did? Did they smell something the human nose can't detect before Jack went to bed and were so frustrated because they couldn't communicate that to us? When we finally let them out of the stairway after Jack was pronounced dead and Murph started licking Jack's face...did he know? Was Murphy saying goodbye or trying to do what he could to bring Jack back to life?
The beauty is that like Jack's death, there will never be answers to my above questions besides what I think and believe. Although they are canines, I believe that the loss of Jack is profound for them as well. The night that Jack died, Murph and Finn sat stoically behind the stairs watching intently. I don't think they made a noise, they were surveying everything and as people walked in and out, they didn't bark as they normally would. It was almost like they were sitting there praying themselves. It was evident they felt sad and could pick up on the emotions of everyone. They had an eerie calm to them and their loyalty did not falter. God Bless Murphy and Finnegan! We know we don't give you as much attention since the kiddos came but we love you just as much!
If I could have anything for Christmas I would ask for the obvious that we all know that as much as Santa wants, he can't even bring that (and I have been very good!) and for the ability to have just one conversation with Murph and Finn. And believe me, I would certainly NOT forget to ask Finn "Why in the world have you been passing such offensive gas so frequently lately?"
Murph and Finn...your unconditional love does not go unnoticed or unappreciated!!

Who wants to be millionaire?

2009-12-10T13:58:00.001-06:00

It took almost 3 months for me to be asked the inevitable question. I knew it would come, I just didn’t know when, who or how. At a neighborhood function last night, a 6-year old boy who spent a lot of time with Jack until about a month before he died asked “Where’s Jack?” with the innocence of a bunny and the annoyance of a mosquito buzzing in your ear because of his questions. (If he only knew what he was asking…poor kiddo and parents. They were probably mortified but I have learned not to sweat the small stuff over the past few months.) As a zillion thoughts raced through my brain, I quickly responded with “Oh! He’s not here right now.” What I was thinking but kept to myself was “Who the hell knows? Isn’t that the Regis Philbin Million Dollar Question? Where IS he? Is he somewhere? He’s not here and I certainly know that.” The boy then said “Where is he?” I am not a good liar, especially when it is off the cuff. Fortunately my audience was a 6-year old who doesn’t have the social savvy yet to pick up on my dead give away clues… the stammering, the awkward look, and the longer than usual pause before responding. I said, “Oh, he’s out playing.” It was the best I could come up with and if I did have to make a logical guess, it would be that Jack is playing somewhere, happy and carefree. The boy and his curiosity still wasn’t satisfied as I am almost breaking out in a sweat trying to field these questions like a hockey goalie at the Stanley cup. He then asked “Where is he playing?” At this point, I had run out of stamina and creativity and said “Oh, just out and about.” At which point, something else caught the boys attention and he was off and running.
It was almost comical to me, the things that have been said to me when people have NO IDEA what they are saying. A week after Jack died, I was at a street fair and a local insurance man stopped me to talk about having life insurance for your CHILD. Could the timing have been any worse? I thought I was being punked again. My mom was with me and I could tell she was tensing up, worrying that this would make me upset. After I knew what the man was talking about, I wasn’t even paying attention to his speech but just shaking my head thinking “Really? Is this conversation seriously happening?” If only that man knew, he would have been mortified. People say you’re not given more than you can handle and whereas I agree with that on a basic level, there’s more to it than that. Yes, we handle what we are given but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t come with small miracles of mustering up the mental strength and the ability to laugh.
To answer the million dollar question…”Where is Jack?” To me Jack is in the warmth of my car after it is has been sitting in the sun all day. He is part of the sound of Kate’s laughter. He is in Dan’s arms as he wraps them around me and in the tears that still fall down my face. He is in my muscles that get me out of bed everyday and especially the muscles that allow me to smile. He is part of that refreshing feeling when you jump in a pool and he is present when we decided to get Hey Cupcake! Cupcakes. He is present when I buy milk and if I imagine really hard and can pretend enough, he is present in a physical sense, crawling all over me and hugging me. He is present when we start laughing about memories of our little boogie, even when they make us laugh so hard we cry. He is in our hearts and minds and picture frames in our house. He surrounds us and reminds us to be better people, better parents, better friends and better lovers because life is so precious.
So… Where is Jack? Jack is more places than he has ever been before and for that, I am so grateful.
And Regis, yes, this is my final answer.

Ready?

2009-12-05T18:39:00.002-06:00

I find myself watching this 3 second clip over and over. Maybe because I can hear Jack's voice and he is using a word in the right context, maybe it's because he has goofy socks on and no shirt, or maybe it's because he almost hits Murphy as he swings the baseball bat around. Maybe because the baseball set was a gift from his Grandma or maybe because the summer sun is shining down. Maybe it's because this video shows Jack being a child, doing what kids do and not having a care in the world. Maybe it's because when this video was taken, we had no idea how our lives were going to change and the video is truly as innocent as it seems. After playing, we probably went inside, had dinner, had baths, read a story and tucked Jack into bed as always with the promise of a new day pending. Maybe I watch it because I want to go back to that place, a time where one of life's hardest lessons hadn't been taught yet. I feel that I am a better person because of the lesson taught but I wasn't so bad before it either. Had someone told me this summer that I only had so many days left with Jack, I never would have believed it. When I watch this video, the tears fall and all I want to do is grab him out of the screen and smother him with kisses, hear his laughter in my ear and feel him push his way out of my arms because he is a boy and has many more things to do other than be loved on by his mom. There are balls to hit, yuckies to find in the backyard and dogs to harass after all!

What I Know...

2009-12-01T17:41:00.003-06:00

The past few months have taught me a lot of things, I still have a long way to go but here are the things that I know...
~People want to talk about their loved ones they have lost. Don't be afraid to ask them about their loved one or share your own story or memory of them.
~You won't harm anyone (in this family at least) by asking "How are you?" or "You have been on my mind lately" or "I really miss Jack" or "I have been thinking about you/Jack/your family." It is a comfort to know we aren't the only people that miss Jack.
~I know that I am open to any question anytime about this whole thing.
~I know that when people tell me that Kate looks more and more like Jack everyday, it makes me happy.
~I know that SOMETIMES wet tears falling down my cheeks feels so good but hugs ALWAYS feel so good from Dan.
~I know that now or ever is NOT the time to tell me to accept Jesus Christ or God into my life. I don't tell others how to do their hair, how to vote or how to live their life, I don't think that others should tell me how I should believe because I have suffered such great loss. Please, let me believe what I do and respect what I don't. As Dan says, "We've never considered ourselves religious, just spiritual."
~I know that hot chocolate chip cookies do make things a lot better.
~I know that 3 years ago today I told Dan that we were pregnant with Jack. It was one of the happiest days of our life. I'd go back and do it all over again if I could.
~I know that life keeps giving me lessons. Sometimes I am tired of learning.
~I know that I'm still figuring out for myself if there is life after death or if your life just ends. If there is a heaven, I know that Jack is safe and happy. If his life and spirit ended several months ago, I know that he had a fantastic life, period!
~I know that it is hiliarious that Jack thought dog poops were called "yuckies" and that he thought every bed my sister slept on had "kitties" under it.
~I know that there isn't enough time to take enough baths, give Kate enough snuggles and to find the right words to convey to Dan how much I appreciate him and love him to accurately reflect what I really mean.
~I know that getting only one child into a carseat is so much easier but then again, I am not afraid of hardwork. I AM chainsaw certified in the State of Oregon!
~I know that I am still finding legos under furniture and it makes me smile.
~I know that I took a risk being a parent...being vulnerable and loving something so much that at times it hurt. I took a risk and the sacrifice was worth it.
~I know that sometimes I am afraid to check on Kate before heading to bed.
~I know that the sound of Kate in the morning, awake and alive is music to my ears, even if she is crying.
~I know that we couldn't do this without friends, family and complete strangers who have lifted us up so high and continue to do so. A million thanks...

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-23T21:57:00.003-06:00

We just returned from date night, also known as "Support Group." During group, I had a profound thought...people were talking about the holidays and the difficulties people may face. I thought it was so appropriate that the first big holiday since Jack's death will be Thanksgiving. It would be wrong for me to say that the day will go by without any sadness but I am focusing my thoughts to the best of my ability on what this holiday is truly about...being thankful for all we have in our lives.
This Thanksgiving, I am so thankful for having had Jack. Without Jack, I would not know so many things...Jack was my first child, my first pregnancy, and my first experience being completely responsible for another human being. Jack taught Dan and I as a couple a different level of working together, of responsibility and that "sleeping in" is a thing of the past. Jack taught us that going to birthday parties instead of happy hours is more fun and that there is nothing more beautiful than a sleeping baby. He taught us how if given the chance, we would sacrifice anything for another human being and that Dan and I are blessed in our ability to make cute babies with amazing eyes and abnormally yet gorgeous long eyelashes.
Jack taught us that life is so precious, to savor each moment and that when you think you don't have anything left to give, you do. Jack taught us that the worst day at work can easily be remedied by a toddler with a million dollar smile running at you with open arms saying "Mommy!" or "Doddy!" I have learned so much about myself and Dan, about Dan and I as a couple and what unconditional love is. I learned that a child is so much work but well worth the journey. When grief sometimes takes over, I think "I'll take the grief because I won't trade the last two years for anything."
Happy Thanksgiving to you all...may the day bring many moments of joy and time to reflect on all the wonderful things we are so fortunate to have.

House Plant

2009-11-15T22:08:00.002-06:00

Tonight we watched all the short little videos we have in the "Jack Movies" file of our computer, we didn't plan it...I was at the computer and somehow stumbled on that file, as I was watching them, Dan stumbed into the computer room and of course, couldn't walk away once he saw what was on the screen. We have about 20 different videos, about 20 seconds each of Jack doing a variety of things, some that had been posted on the blog, some not. It's bittersweet watching them, I am so glad to have them and to hear his voice again, see his movement, see his smile and his personality but then, it is sad to think, "This is all we have." At some point, these videos will be so repetitive, I will know them by heart and it won't be a "surprise" as it is right now since I don't have them memorized from watching time and time again.
What did strike me as I watched them was, "How in the world is the plant that I see in the background of all the videos shot in our living room still living and Jack isn't?" How is that possible? How can a plant we own have a longer life span than our child? It starts the questioning and the mystery of this whole thing..."How in the world?" "What happened?" "Why did this happen?" For me, these questions can be toxic if dwelled on too long because regardless of the answers (If we ever really have any...), the bottom line is, my children should live longer than any plant I own. (This actually is ironic...I volunteered in HS to water plants at church with a dear friend and we got "fired" because we killed most of them by accident! I am no green thumb...)
I spoke with the Medical Examiner (ME) again on Friday. Travis County does not have special equipment for what is necessary to continue trying to figure this out. So, it all comes down to money. Can you believe that? The ME is trying to find an expert in this certain thing that needs to be done (Electronic Microscopy?, I may have the last word wrong) and is asking if it can be done pro bono, otherwise, Dan and I would have to pay if we want it done. The ME couldn't even guess at how much it would cost. (Not a good sign) I also received a bill for $505 from the County for EMS to come and "pronounce Jack dead" as the not-so-compassionate woman told me when I called inquiring as to why I received a bill. I seriously thought I was being punked and was waiting for Jack to jump around the corner and say "Just kidding! It was all a joke" when I was talking to her on the phone. Thank goodness I was with Lourdes at the time and she could finish the call for me as I excused myself to the bathroom to sob. I guess I was foolish to think that my tax dollars paid for EMS services. I know there is a charge if you ride in an ambulance but Jack was never transported. Each day continues to show me that this world is crazy and life is a wild ride.
The grief is still a visitor at our house (not like we have expected it to go away this soon, or ever for that matter)...it hasn't learned to politely leave when its hosts are sick of it.

Swimming Pools, Milk, Cupcakes and Golden Retrievers

2009-11-12T08:00:00.002-06:00

Before Dan and I left the park, I commented that I think Jack is swimming in a huge awesome pool with golden retrievers, with a full belly of milk and cupcakes. Life is certainly sweet, and I think wherever, if anywhere Jack is, his life is even sweeter.

It's a beautiful day

2009-11-12T07:51:00.001-06:00

Of course, we had Hey Cupcake! red velvet cupcakes too!

2009-11-12T07:42:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was a gorgeous day in Austin. We both had the day off and took advantage of daycare being open, sent Kate and spent the day together. We decided to scatter Jack's ashes. After much thought and deliberation, we decided to put his ashes in a "Hot Wheels" Happy Meal box, with a bouquet of balloons and release them at the splash pad that Jack LOVED! Thanks to Lourdes who found the Happy Meal box at a McDonald's, they had it in a back corner for some reason...the Happy Meal box was from the beginning of September so we were very lucky that a McD's still had the one we wanted and would be perfect for the cause. We poked a bunch of holes in the bottom, thinking the ashes would scatter as the balloons went in the air. Well, let's say we had some technical difficulties, (I was never too good at science, I am not sure how many balloons we would have needed but a dozen was clearly not enough). After many tries, we finally were able to release the bouquet and think sweet thoughts about our J-Boogie as we watched them go up and up into a gorgeous sunny sky.

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

JACK! on the Big Screen

2009-11-10T07:47:00.002-06:00

On Sunday, we attended the "Space Between Breaths" documentary about the loss of children and the life that continues after. JACK! was a sponsor as I mentioned in a previous post...only because of such generosity of y'all! We wanted to donate to "For the Love of Christi" (FLOC) and this seemed the perfect and most fun way to do it. Before the movie started, there was a preview reel of all the sponsors, I loved each time Jack's face would pop up and all our friends that we have made since attending FLOC commented on what a great photo that was. Some would comment further about what a personality he had or how much fun he looks. Amazing that one photo can convey so much. It was a pretty packed house, I promise, I just took the picture early!
I have to be honest in saying that this isn't how I pictured Jack being on the "big screen," and it left me to wonder...if things had been different...what would his "big screen" have looked like? Since I never will know the answer, I thought...perfect, I get to finish the story myself...
In my mind, it goes something like this...Jack would have been athletic, he would have been a great team player and show the compassion that he had learned and seen from Dan. He would have continued to be a great dresser and would have worn ties to school, especially on the first day of kindergarten, without complaining. He would have made a special valentine for his mom, sister and his favorite girl at school each year and he would have participated in spelling bees with success. He would have continued with his birthday tradition of going to the Waffle House for breakfast with Dan wearing his Superman Cape, long after he had outgrown it and it became tattered. He would have been left-handed and played Pee Wee Baseball. He would have walked the dogs, learned to scoop the poop and LOVED being the only boy among 11 neighborhood girls after he learned what an advantage he had. They would have taught him how to pretend to be interested in "girl things" so that one day, he could make a woman very happy. He never would have had training wheels and would have gotten frustrated with us that he didn't have video games and the latest and hottest toy. It would take years before he would appreciate us for that. He would spend afternoons playing in the yard, building forts and making castles out of old refrigerator boxes. Sometimes math would be hard for him in school and some days, it would be even harder to sit still and not talk while his teacher was giving a lesson. He would have learned tolerance for religious, political and sexual preferences and would believe that as long as people love and are loved, that is all that matters. He would protect Kate without hesitation and would make sure kids were nice to her and boys treated her with the upmost respect. Jack's favorite holiday would be the 4th of July and all the festivities that have become tradition and he would have loved taking the ferry to visit his Nonno and Nonna on Whidbey Island in Washington State. Jack would have been the social one, perhaps Homecoming King and a popular kid, although, he would be one of the rare popular kids that is nice to everyone. He would look forward to going to college and would know that when he came home to visit, I would do his laundry without hesitation. He would learn the pleasure in a good beer and would often share one with Dan. He would call home, would work hard and play hard, and would love college as much as we did. He would know that we love him so much and would support him through anything. He would develop a strong sense of self esteem so that he could say "no" to things that didn't feel right. I can't say what I think he would choose professionally but I do know that he would have been a fantastic family man, marrying a wonderful woman who would laugh at all his craziness, find as much joy in life as he did and who would melt when seeing his smile as we did. I know there would have been grandkids and Jack would have been a fabulous Dad...how could he not with such great role models in his family and extended family? Jack would lead a full and happy life, not forgettign to give back to others, to embrace each day and would have no doubt that his parents loved him more than words can describe.

A loaf of bread, a container of milk and a stick of butter

2009-11-05T19:54:00.002-06:00

They say grief is like an unwelcome and unexpected guest...it shows up when you least expect it and you don't know how long it is going to stay. Today I went grocery shopping for the first time since before "that day." (Yes, everything has become a "before" and an "after.") We had reached rock bottom when we couldn't even make brownies because we didn't have eggs and I heard my bones pleading for calcium.
Who knew that "grief" would show up while in the supermarket?? I never realized how my grocery shopping was so Jack focused...bananas and yogurt for smoothies, peanut butter, whole milk, turkey meat, cheese, chicken nuggets, et cetera. It seemed every corner I turned, I wanted to put a different item in the cart and then realized I didn't need it. It made me miss him so much and I almost felt lost trying to figure out what we needed. You may be wondering how I was able to avoid the store for so long...our wonderful friends and neighbors have brought us meals EVERYDAY since "that day." It has been unbelievable and we have been SO spoiled with all the tasty dishes, we received our last one tonight, thanks so much everyone!
I knew it was such a gift to receive home cooked meals but the added treat and unexpected present from it all was giving me time to be in a better place. You wouldn't think that even the most mundane of errands could grudge up sadness but it did. Thank goodness I didn't have to go weeks ago. While I wait for Kate to be able to eat all that stuff, I think I'll spend the money on pints of Ben and Jerry's for me and Dan. Sounds like a good plan to me!

Mad Tea Cups

2009-11-04T10:53:00.000-06:00

Grief…I believe it is a short word we use to convey “roller-coaster” or “You will now be taking life minute by minute.” What a whirlwind of a ride…sometimes I equate it to the “Mad Tea Party Tea Cup” ride at Disneyland where it is all you can do to not stand up and scream “Get me off of here” while you try not to throw up.
I thought it was time to do an entry about me…what this has been like, my experiences, my thoughts, a check in for my loyal followers! I know people are wondering “How is she doing?” “How do they get out of bed in the morning?” “Does she cry everyday?” “What have they done with all his stuff?” “How do they make sense of all this?” “How is their marriage?” I know I would be wondering those things if I were in anyone else’s place.
I have been saying that there is “no score card for grief” but if there was, I would be amazed at how well I am doing. I am certainly not afraid to have moments where the tears come and they do come…for short periods of time. I have somehow had the fortune to be able to quickly remind myself of how blessed we were and how rich, happy and FUN Jack’s life was (and mine because of it!). It would be easy to grieve what won’t be but in that, I would be wasting all my energy when I could be thinking of how wonderful his life was. Believe it or not, that thought really carries me through the days and makes all of this make a bit more sense and not seem devastating. We know there is a circle of life and Jack’s circle just didn’t have the circumference that we wanted. If we know that we all live and we all die, it is quite simple. It is just unexpected how quickly it was for Jack…but again, to live with such joy is such a gift and there is no doubt that wherever he is, if life does continue on, he is in a great great place! Someone told me “If there is a heaven, Jack certainly took the express train to get there.” Love it!
I have struggled with thinking about “that night.” My mind would go back to the horror, the noises, the disbelief, the people in our house, having to be interviewed separately from Dan with a detective, having to role-play with a doll everything that happened, picturing Jack’s sweet little body laying for hours in our house and watching the EMS workers cry as they left. I wouldn’t say I was obsessing over it but after I learned that Jack had passed away in his sleep, I realized he wasn’t present in the way we know for any of that. What a comforting thought that his life was blissful even to the final minute. What a joy to know he was given a bath by “Doddy!” tucked in kissed and was told “I love you J-Boogie.” Can it really get better than that? That night doesn’t take away from his spirit, his wonderful life, the way he loved and was loved. I am happy to say that each day, I think less and less of that evening.
I asked a dear friend shortly after, “Am I not going to be me anymore?” I was so scared that this would change me forever, in a negative way. I feared that I would be rolled up in a ball in a fetal position on my bed with the lights turned off, sobbing and sobbing. I was afraid I would be bitter and unable to see the simple joys in life. I was afraid that I would lose my ability to want to shower and brush my teeth everyday. She reassured me that I would always be me and that this would not “Take what is me.” I am so glad for that conversation and that time has shown me that no…death won in taking Jack’s life but death will not win in part of me dying or losing my spirit. For me to lose who I am would make Jack’s death a double tragedy. Enough has been taken away already. What a disservice to Jack if I were to loss myself. How could I continue to prove to him that I really am the woman, mother, wife, friend that he thought and witnessed that I was?
People mention the scary statistics of marriages after losing a child. Minutes after Jack was pronounced dead, Dan and I were hugging. I said “No matter what, we are in this together.” I have never felt a deeper connection to Dan since meeting him and we truly have walked this together. We joke at our support group that it is our “weekly date.” We say “Is this what it took?” and laugh. After the first support group, we laughed on the way home. How wonderful to have a partner that can also still see humor, see that life continues for us and that we share this unique bond that no one else will ever understand. We have demonstrated more compassion, love, tolerance and patience with each other than ever before. We like to think of it as our “new normal.”
Shortly after Jack’s passing, I cleaned through his room and our friends painted and decorated for us. I walk in the room frequently and have framed a beautiful photo of Jack in that room. It is painted a light blue with a white cast iron headboard and footboard. I had to admit my obsession with baby clothes shopping as I passed on 2 HUGE garbage bags full of AWESOME clothes to a friend of mine (that went up to size 5 year-old, I have always been a planner!) and a ton of stuff to Goodwill. Kate has become the recipient of some awesome toys and Grover and Elmo now sleep with her.
It’s crazy… this blog has become so much more than just pictures and an update of what our kids are doing lately. Thanks for being an audience for me to bear my soul and to be honest about this crazy crazy Mad Tea Cup ride.

Happy Grams and Certificates

2009-11-03T22:34:00.001-06:00

I still have a Happy Gram, proudly on display in our house from my kindergarten teacher, Ms. Schroeder. She was praising me for working hard in class. My guess is that I was probably talking way too much and she finally got me to buckle down and do some work. I have certificates from this and that while growing up and had started a collection for Jack as well. In his short life he had received several certificates which I proudly displayed and then tucked away in his memory box to pass onto his family when he became an adult.
Today, I decided that I would pick up his ashes. Since everything happened, his ashes were not something that I needed to do something with. To me, I could take it or leave it. I got the impression that Dan wanted to do something with them and we brainstormed some good ideas. When we decided on the perfect thing to do, I was sold on getting them. (Future blog post!) When I picked them up, they gave me a certificate documenting his being cremated. Really? Such a thing exists? Why? If there really is a reason to have to have one, how awful. As I got back into the car with his ashes and this certificate, it was so clear to me that we are experiencing things that NO ONE should have to. I shed a quick tear and then found the ability to laugh...Jack finally got to sit in the front seat with me, and without a seatbelt. Oh J-Boogie…we miss you!

Jack's Brick

2009-11-03T21:44:00.002-06:00

I had the pleasure of spending the weekend in Minnesota with Kate, surrounded by friends and family. What a wonderful get-away at a much needed time. We were able to head to Mankato for a night to relive our glory days of college and made a stop to see Jack's brick at our alma mater which dear friends Scott, Wes, Jason and Brian had bought for Jack when he was born. Is it just a coincidence that of all the bricks on the ground only Jack's had green growing on the side of it?

For the Love of Christi...and JACK!

2009-10-20T22:38:00.004-05:00

We have been so blessed to receive so much support for our "bench" for Jack. We are in the process of working with Travis County to see if we can have one placed at East Metropolitan Park, where we had Jack's celebration.
We continue to attend "For the Love of Christi," (FLOC) an AMAZING non-profit organization that has a support group every Monday. It was founded by two fantastic individuals, Don and Susan Cox who lost their daughter, Christi. We feel at home there and it seems that all the people we have met have unconditional love and support for us and even though they never met Jack, I feel like they know him. Every Monday when we walk into FLOC, it is like walking into our own home.
http://www.fortheloveofchristi.org/
FLOC does not charge a fee for any of their services. Dan and I decided that we wanted to donate some of Jack's bench money to the organization because we know they have and will continue to be instrumental in our healing. On November 8th, a documentary is being shown by the creators. They are seeking businesses and people that would contribute $500 to be sponsors, to help raise money FLOC. We decided that JACK! should be a sponsor as our tiny token of appreciation. His picture will be shown in the "Preview Reel" before the movie starts and FLOC is so appreciative of us doing this. Really?! It is the least we can do and truly...it is not us doing it, it is all of you who have showered us with donations for Jack's bench. Thank you for providing us the opportunity to do something extra!
If you're interested, Dan and I will be in the audience. This is a great documentary for anyone who has experienced a loss. Feel free to join us but bring your own popcorn!

From their website: http://www.spacebetweenbreaths.com/news/15-austin-screening
Why are we here? Is it possible to find true happiness after a great loss? The answers to some of life's most important questions are explored in SPACE BETWEEN BREATHS, a powerful, uplifting film, which looks at the potential in grief and to the ways it can become a motivational, transformational force in our lives. Featuring conversations with parents who have lost a child, including those whose loved ones died at Columbine, on September 11th, and a mother whose son was one of the first U.S. soldiers to die in Iraq, SPACE BETWEEN BREATHS offers an inspired and healing perspective on loss which will transform the way you live and love.
P.S. I guess I fibbed when I said that I wasn't going to post again until Jack's bench was ready! Thanks for reading! There just always seems something too good not to share!

Thank You!!!!

2009-10-19T21:47:00.002-05:00

Our mailman must be wondering, "What is going on at that house?" We have gotten so many cards and even received an envelope that was addressed to "The Turpins, ShadowGlen, Manor, TX 78653" and it got to us! We are in the slow process of writing thank you's for all the support, love and generous donations to Jack's bench. We have received the most beautiful cards with such sweet messages and thoughts...I wanted to share a few of my favorites and let you know we have received all your calls, cards, donations, et cetera! Thank you thank you is hardly enough! Until a proper thank you can reach you via mail, please know we are so grateful for all of you holding us up during this time.

Make-A-Wish

2009-10-19T21:45:00.002-05:00

A donation was made to Make-a-wish foundation under Jack's name, what a fabulous idea! What a way to honor Jack and to make another child so happy! Thanks Rusty and Christy Wallace!

"Jack"-o-lantern

2009-10-18T15:47:00.002-05:00

What a fun surprise on our doorstep...a "Jack"-o-lantern that is an angel! We love it!!!

700 days of happiness

2009-10-16T15:56:00.003-05:00

Today has been a hard day, I was on the computer trying to find a photo for something...I was looking through recent photos from this summer and the dogs must have thought I was crazy, staring at the monitor, sobbing. So many pictures of Jack, full of life, having a great time. If we had known then what we know now...would we have done anything different? What comfort there is in knowing, no...we celebrated him everyday and will continue to do so.
Grief is an interesting thing...we are certainly learning to take it day by day, in fact, minute by minute.
For those who weren't able to attend Jack's celebration, this was where we had it. It was pouring rain as we left to drive there. When we pulled into the park, the clouds subsided and the sun came out. Just like grief...
My Uncle said an amazing thing to me that day...he said "How long do most people have to live to have 700 days of happiness?" What a thought...probably a lot longer than Jack had to! That question and answer has allowed me to sleep more peacefully and keep a smile on my face longer. Thanks Uncle Jimmy for your great perspective!

A Star in the Sky

2009-10-15T20:47:00.003-05:00

Our neighbors gave Kate a "Shining Stars" unicorn today that came with a special code to choose a name and location of a star in the sky. Of course we picked JACK and got to print a certificate. What a sweet idea from a very sweet little 5 year old girl. Thanks Meredith! Kate, Dan and I love it!

A few answers

2009-10-15T16:48:00.005-05:00

Today we received a call from the Medical Examiner (who has been absolutely wonderful). He confirmed that the CDC tested Jack's tissue and it was NOT influenza or H1N1. Again, he did NOT pass away due to the flu or H1N1. They still suspect some sort of viral lung infection and are continuing to try to figure out more, as that is still such a mystery. I am so relieved to hear that it is not H1N1...I did not want it to be that for numerous reasons. Additional testing is being done and we may never know the cause or they may find something...it is still a mystery to the professionals involved.
I do not need to have an answer but I appreciate all the work that is being done to find one. Leave it to Mr. Jack to pass away peacefully and to keep us all on our toes trying to figure out why! God bless that little sweetie! Our memories are warming our heart continually.
We are all doing well, are loving our support group (For the Love of Christi...you all are amazing there) and have managed to laugh everyday. Thank you all for lifting us up when we have needed it most. I have started the process of writing thank you notes and wrote to the two EMT's who were here that evening. I had a phone number for them and thought it was their station. When I called to get their address, I learned that it was actually one of the EMT's cell phone. I was so happy to be able to express to him personally how grateful we were for his (Woody) and Adam's work. What a gift to be able to talk to him and tell him we know they did EVERYTHING they could. I know the night was not easy for them and I am forever grateful for their work.
Thanks to our neighbor, Madison (friend of Jack and our friend too!), who created a wonderful piece of art for us as shown in this blog! We love it!

AWESOME!

2009-10-08T20:54:00.002-05:00

Throughout this whole experience we have been so touched by so many things...I can't even begin to describe what it has been like. All the gestures, big and small have meant so much. As I type, our dear friends are slaving away painting Jack's bedroom so we can have a fresh start. How selfless! We've had hot meals brought to our house for the past week and will continue to have them through the end of the month. Our friend hired a house-cleaner to come clean our house. We are spoiled!
Today, we received this letter from "Family Connections." Family Connections is an awesome, non-profit organization in Austin that is "committed to improving the development of young children and building a strong foundation for their success by educating and supporting the adults in their lives - parents, child care providers, teachers and community leaders." Dan and I have participated in Mommy/Daddy and Me 6-week playdates when both kiddos were born, took all our pre-parent classes there (how to get your child to sleep, labor classes, how to breastfeed, bath, feed your child...), they have a daycare locating service and have an amazing library that you can check out books and toys. They have singers and story-tellers and an annual Family Celebration. (ALL FOR FREE!)
They learned of our sad news and sent the letter above. If it is too small to read, maybe you can cut/paste to enlarge in your own word document. We were so touched by the thoughtfulness of the books they chose and can't believe how the kindness of everyone is holding us up so long and so high. Thanks to all...
Check out Family Connections for yourself and if you live in Austin...go visit!
www.familyconnectionsonline.org
Dan and I also attended our first Support Group on Monday. It was wonderful and we met so many people who showered us with unconditional love and understanding. The group is for anyone that has encountered a loss and then you split into smaller groups based on who you lost. It was a great experience and we look forward to going back. Thank you to all the funders who support "For the Love of Christi," without your support, it wouldn't be possible. This service is provided FREE to those grieving and we are so grateful. Check it out: www.fortheloveofchristi.org

Lions Eye Bank

2009-10-08T20:51:00.002-05:00

I know I said I was only going to blog one more time but how could I pass up this? We received this in the mail today from the Lions Eye Bank, so sweet. And, can you believe that the Lions Eye Bank is in Manor? I couldn't believe that this tiny no-grocery-store-town we live in is where all the donated eyes come to! It was like Jack was coming home! Thanks to the Lions Eye Bank for making our donation seem so special!

Honk Honk!

2009-10-04T21:14:00.004-05:00

For some reason, I didn't post this several weeks ago when I took it and was saving it for something special. What a perfect opportunity now! The video is the epitomy of Jack's spirit and my husband's wonderful parenting. This 30 second or so clip warms my heart, brings tears to my eyes, and makes me so thankful for having Jack in our lives. I have decided that this will be my second to last post, with the last post to not come for sometime as I am planning on posting for the final time after Jack's bench is in place. Thank you ALL for the donations that will allow us to purchase a bench in Jack's honor. Dan and I look forward to finding the perfect bench in the perfect place, which will take some thought and consideration to make it just right! Again, thank you for all the support, it is truly overwhelming and has been what has carried us through this journey. We continue to go on each day...getting out of bed, vacuuming, brushing our teeth, washing dishes, running errands, paying bills, taking care of Kate, all the usual stuff. It is strange to not hear "Mommy!" or "Doddy" or "Milk Meese" (Jack's version of "Milk please") or "Muse Me" (Jack's version of "Excuse me") but the memories are held deep in our hearts. I am not sure Murphy and Finn quite understand why it is so quiet in our house and I bet Murph would even admit that he misses an energetic toddler screaming and pulling on or at him. We will return to work soon and continue to find so much support and love with each other. Thank goodness that Dan is walking this journey with me. In the midst of this tragedy there have been so many blessings and we hope they continue.

Enjoy the video and please feel free to be among the first visitors to:

www.kateturpin.blogspot.com

The show must go on and Jack would want it that way!

Checking In

2009-10-02T09:34:00.003-05:00

A million thanks to all who have reached out, called, stopped by, dropped food off, hugged us, hugged their kids a bit more, emailed, read our blog, attended our celebration...the list goes on and on. As each day goes by, the nights are not so dark and we learn that the sun does rise. We are overwhelmed (in a great way) by the love and support of everyone and thank you for carrying our burden at this time.
We are still waiting to hear more from the Medical Examiner as we wait for additional testing to return from the CDC.
If you were unable to attend the celebration, it was absolutely beautiful. Dan and I commented to each other during it saying "This is just perfect." Pastor Brian Devany, we owe you a million thanks for capturing the exact spirit, energy, and love that we wanted for the celebration. This was no easy task and you did it with grace and love. The service was held at a beautiful glass and wood building in a park overlooking a pond with a wide open sky beyond. There were clouds scattered among a blue sky. We didn't know what to expect in terms of attendance and were shocked at the amount of people...we should have known because of Jack there would be "standing room only." Thank you so much everyone and we hope you enjoyed the cupcakes!

Party atTIrE

2009-09-27T13:42:00.002-05:00

Our intention for tomorrow's event is to make it a true representation of Jack's bright, loving spirit. When looking in your closet, deciding what would be appropriate for Jack's celebration, please ask yourself these questions: What would Jack pick out for me? What would sweet Jack like for me to wear?

If there was ever an occassion to wear your brightest, funniest tie or that too loud, over-the-top dress THIS IS IT! Go for it. You will be making Jack proud!

Lourdes (on behalf of the Turpin family)

The Eyes are Shining On You!

2009-09-26T10:37:00.003-05:00

We are so happy to report that Jack's sweet beautiful eyes will be donated to someone in need. We are thrilled to be able to do this.

Some answers

2009-09-25T21:03:00.003-05:00

Today has been indescribable and we thank everyone for their support and love. We met with the Medical Examiner's office and leared that Jack had a viral infection that caused hemorraging in his lungs. We don't know why Jack could not fight off the viral infection as others possible could and it is unclear why it happened so quickly. We do know that there is nothing we would have been able to do which eases the pain a bit.
We are surrounded by family and tons of food. We are hoping for some sleep tonight and know we have one amazing angel watching us from above.

A huge thanks to our wonderful pediatrician, Dr. Jack Louis. He went above and beyond for us today, ensuring that Kate is healthy and safe and helping us to understand what happened to the best that he can guess. There are still so many questions that will probably never get answered. Dr. Louis, thank you for your compassion, caring, and love you always gave to Jack and that you gave us today.

If you live in Austin and are having a baby...we would recommend Dr. Louis! 458-6717.

Jack's Sweet Life Celebration

2009-09-25T12:01:00.004-05:00

Please join us to share in a celebration of J-Boogie's wonderful life.

Monday, September 28th, 2009
East Metropolitan Park, Manor, Texas
3:00

We are looking forward to sharing fellowship and memories with you after a brief service.

In Jack fashion, we will be having cupcakes, cookies and of course...whole milk. He wouldn't have it any other way.

If you need directions:
Going east on US 290 from I-35 take the FM 973 exit proceeding through Manor. After crossing the railroad tracks turn left on to Blake-Manor Road. Stay on Blake-Manor Road and the Park Entrance will be located on the right. The park entrance is about 3.5miles on the right.
When you enter the park, turn left just past the pool on your left and look for the glass building on your right.

If you get lost: Please call Richard at 512-317-2391

If you have any questions about anything else, please feel free to contact Lourdes at 512-350-7368.

Please keep us in your thoughts...

2009-09-25T08:13:00.003-05:00

It is with shock, horror and complete devastation that I am writing this blog entry. Last night, our dear son, Jack, passed away in his sleep. Jack had a great day, had even "pooped in the potty" for the first time. Jack started to get a bit groggy and laid on the couch...unusual for our wonderful and wild little man. Dan gave him a bath, took his temperature which was low grade and put him to bed. At 9:15, I checked on Jack and found that he was barely breathing and very limp. I ran downstairs with him, called 9-1-1, and our wonderful neighbor who is a firefighter/EMS came over immediately. As we waited for EMS to arrive, he started CPR and continued until the on-duty EMS took over. They tried and tried to revive Jack for almost 45 minutes without success. We are in deep gratitude for the love and effort Travis County EMS put forth to save our son. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We know it was difficult for them too.

It was the most horrific time of our lives and it is in shock that I write this today. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

As plans for a "Celebration of Jack's Sweet Life" are made, I will be updating the blog.

In lieu of sending flowers, please consider donating to the following link:
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=8465745

We are hoping to purchase a bench to place in a park in Austin to always remember our sweet boogie.

If you have special memories of Jack, please feel free to comment. We would love to hear stories.

Pump It Up!

2009-09-20T20:42:00.003-05:00

Our friend Katie, had her 5th B-day party at "Pump It Up" today. We ALL had a great time and left feeling like we had just had a great workout. Happy Birthday Katie! Thanks for inviting us to your party. Jack had a blast!

Colored Shaving Cream!

2009-09-19T21:18:00.001-05:00

What a good use of a dollar at the Dollar Tree, a can of shaving cream with a few drops of food coloring and a cookie sheet...Jack kept busy while we cleaned the kitchen. Kate was looking at him like "What in the world are you doing?" We skipped a bath tonight and washed up in the sink post-activity. Sure saved some time...why don't we do that more often???

Ghost Town

2009-09-19T21:14:00.003-05:00

Believe it or not, there is a "Ghost Town" about 8 minutes away from our house. A man created his own "Disneyland" in the form of a "Ghost Town" and has built 97% of the town by himself and claims to have the "Best Burgers in Town." He says if you take the burger to go, the claim may not apply. He shows outdoor movies on the weekends, has live music and people even get married there. Who knew??? We made a visit today, in the middle of the afternoon. We played on the swings, in the "jail house," the maze and the saloon. It was very quiet except for the Turpins and the ghosts, we look forward to going back in the evening to see all the action.
www.ghosttownaustin.com

FORT TIME!

2009-09-18T22:42:00.002-05:00

Forts, a wonderful idea if you're trying to watch Oprah. Kept Jack busy for an extended period of time!

GO Mustangs!

2009-09-18T22:37:00.003-05:00

Today the new sports complex for Manor Independent School District opened! Dan participated in the ribbon cutting as a Board of Trustee and even got to shoot t-shirts out at the fans. He threw it a little too far and one of the shirts went over the back of the stadium. It got a good laugh from the spectators! Jack and Kate waved their red and white pom poms and we had a fun time sitting in the VIP booth (especially with the never-ending popcorn and chocolate chip cookies!) Unfortunately the Mustangs didn't win the game, better luck next time!

Kater-Tot

2009-09-18T22:31:00.002-05:00

Kater-Tot is a great nickname, made even better by a special treat that arrived in the mail this week from Aunt Jen. Aunt Jen used her talent to make a "one of a kind" embroidered bib for Kate. We love it and can only speculate why the "Kater-Tot" has such a devilish grin. It's so awesome, we almost don't want to use it!

I am 8 months old!

2009-09-16T20:31:00.002-05:00

Time is going so fast that we're a week late in putting this post up. I am doing great! Sleeping well, eating very well and enjoying having an active older brother that I think is hilarious. I am a water baby and love taking baths and playing with water. I wonder if I'll be a swimmer like my Mom, I got her long legs so maybe????

Great Job Mom! We are so proud of you!!!

2009-09-14T20:31:00.005-05:00

Wow! The Turpin household always knew Mom was smart, we just did not know how smart....Kristen(Mom) just passed her Licensure Exam for Master of Social Work in the State of Texas. She has been working very hard and studying in her off time and of course busy with us, the two tater-tots! She found out today she passed!! All her hard work is paying off....!!! Mom, We love you. Keep up the great work, we are so proud of you!

Hot Fun in the Summertime!

2009-09-08T18:10:00.003-05:00

Even Murph needed to cool off!

Intoducing DOTTIE!

2009-09-06T20:49:00.003-05:00

I made it! The Turpin Family saw me at Pottery Barn Kids today and took me home with them. Out of Barton Creek Mall I went and into the arms and mouth of Miss Kate. How did I get so lucky? She is a cutie-pie and barely makes a peep! I spent the last several months waiting on the shelf for someone to adopt me and boy was I thrilled today when they marked me down...I knew it wouldn't take long. In fact, I had seen Kate's mom before in the store, she would pick me up and comment on how cute I was but had to put me back...something about being too expensive and a recession. What's that? Anyways, I am just so happy to be here. I think my main job is to watch over Miss Kate while she sleeps and to be her playmate. I hope that the big canines that are here as well don't see where I am. Jack told me what Murphy can do to stuffed animals! I certainly don't need my insides all over the backyard. I have an important job to do here...I hope Kate and I become lifelong friends.

LIttle Love Bug

2009-09-06T20:48:00.001-05:00

The many faces of Kate

2009-09-05T22:27:00.003-05:00

Thanks Hannah for giving us this awesome "office" as we like to call them at the Turpin house. Kate had a great time outside in it today while Jack played with sidewalk chalk. For those of you reading who don't live in Austin...it was wonderful here today...the sun was behind clouds and it was not 100 degrees! We actually played outside NOT under shade.

Just like a lizard

2009-09-05T16:12:00.002-05:00

McD's cones are yummy! Especially when they're 50 cents!

I've got everything on the list Mom!

2009-09-05T16:04:00.002-05:00

I would make a pretty safe bet that when I got this toy as a child, the Corn Flakes that came with it were not "organic" as they are today.

Shopping Cart Fun!

2009-09-05T15:43:00.003-05:00

Jack's girlfriend, Hannah, gave him a shopping cart with groceries in it for his first birthday. We had been saving it on the top shelf of his closet for a special day. Today was it! Jack was fixated on the box and would not stop asking for it until I pulled it down. We put it together and played "grocery store" in his room. Kate was a fan of the boxes of cereal and I liked the plastic carrot, eggplant, green pepper and corn. Who knew grocery shopping could be so fun?

"IT'S A NEW DAYcare."

2009-09-03T07:27:00.004-05:00

It is with much gratitude and luck that we write a follow up posting about our daycare situation! Of course, this is still very new but we have been so pleased with our new situation. We had a pretty good idea that Jack and Kate would have it pretty good when another 2 year-old that is there told us "We read stories here!" with an enthusiasm I would usually save for winning the lottery. I told our new provider that is the best advertisement she could get! She converted her garage into a wonderful play area that is decorated with art work, pictures, educational toys, et cetera. I brought a pack-n-play for Kate which I noticed was replaced by a nice wooden sleigh crib. She had also taken a picture of our family and has it in a toy that holds pictures, on the side of the crib for Kate to see. She is learning how Jack has a lot of energy and is patiently working with him to have "gentle touches" and takes him to the potty every 90 minutes. A sensory table outside has something different in it everyday for the kiddos to play and the outside playhouse with a huge chalkboard has kept Jack BUSY! There is much structure, play and education hosted by an amazing woman who has a heart for children and a deep pride in her work. We feel so lucky and hope the luck continues! When we left on Tuesday, Jack reached out for her and wanted to be held by her as she helped me to the car with Kate. Awesome!

Gymboree Birthday Party

2009-09-03T07:24:00.001-05:00

Kate and Jack were invited to a b-day party at Gymboree. It was fantastic and I think we'll have to do it ourselves! It is a huge play room that kids from 0-7 years can play. Parents don't have to worry because everything is kid friendly. An instructor lead songs and games for a bit and the kids had free time to run around as they wished. What a great idea! Kate enjoyed the music and Jack enjoyed the freedom of running around like a wild man!

ALMOST a mover and a shaker.

2009-09-02T19:50:00.003-05:00

Batter Up!

2009-09-02T19:42:00.002-05:00

Popcorn! Peanuts! 5 cents a bag!

2009-08-26T21:23:00.003-05:00

To Serve and Protect

2009-08-26T21:10:00.005-05:00

So, mothering should have the same motto as being in law enforcement..."To serve and protect." On Monday, we got a call that we had to pick our children up immediately. To spare all the details and to respect privacy of others, I will spare further narration on said topic and am thankful that my children are safe.
It is during times of stress, such as not having daycare all of a sudden and wondering how you're going to care for kids and go to work, worrying that your kids may have been an in unsafe situation, frustrated that they don't have little voices to tell you...the truly trying times of life, when that rollercoaster is down and not up...is when I most love being married to Dan. There is no one other than Dan that I would want to partner with to solve the problems that life throws at you.
This week, Dan and I have had a chance to really see and be reminded of how much Jack and Kate depend on us, how it is our job to keep them safe and what an awesome, enormous, sometimes scary but exhilirating job parenting can be. How have we been blessed with such an awesome responsibility? And, I choose the word awesome to imply both "large" and "super cool!"
To Jack and Kate, we love you more than we could ever explain. You are the best gifts we have ever received and our life is forever changed for the better because of you both. Know that we are always looking out for you and are doing our best to raise you to be the best people you can be. XOXO!

The value of a dollar

2009-08-23T21:22:00.002-05:00

Too good to be through...The Nifty Thrity...Second Time Around...Whatever the name of the Thrift Store, the Turpins love it and it has come to be a favorite pasttime and hobby of ours. Now...I must preface by saying that the thrift stores are different here...we don't know why but they are AWESOME! Anyways...we were thrilled today when Jack demonstrated to us that all his tagging along with us over the past two years has paid off. Today, he found a Little Tikes Bus with ALL the people that go in it, in tact, in great condition for $3.00. He put it in the cart himself so of course, we had to get it for him! A little bath for the bus and the people with bleach and soap...we're good to go. I am so glad at this tender age he already knows the value of a dollar and how to stretch it. That a boy...Suze Orman would be proud.
P.S. For those of you that don't know, I will be featured at some point in the "Can I Afford It?" segment of the Suze Orman Show...I don't know when it will air but I do know that my question will be the first one during that segment. What a fun experience!

I Heart Dad!

2009-08-23T21:19:00.000-05:00

Town Lake Bridge

2009-08-23T21:10:00.004-05:00

If you haven't visited before, Austin has a fantastic 10 mile loop around downtown that people enjoy walking, biking, and running on. Jack had a blast saying "HI!" to the people walking across the bridge as he explored, played, and took on the role of the "Welcome Wagon." Bless his sweet heart.

Fun Family Sunday in Austin

2009-08-23T21:07:00.004-05:00

After a very busy couple of weeks, we were excited to sleep in and spend the day together. Cleaning and laundry could wait...we were going to have fun! As is Turpin style, we spent some of the afternoon going to some thrift stores and then headed to the Austin Children's Museum. They had a bunch of hands-on arts and crafts for the kiddos, we made hats! We walked around Town Lake after. To cool off, Dan and Jack shared a gelato on 2nd Street. A perfect day...it may be hot here but it doesn't seem so bad when we do fun things you can only do in Austin.

Jack's Hawaiian Luau

2009-08-16T23:30:00.004-05:00

Presents Everywhere!

The calm after the storm

Jack's birthday party was a Hawaiian theme (Thanks Dollar Tree!) this year. We tried to stay cool in the hot hot sun by providing several pools for kids to play in, a plunge slide (a crowd favorite), and cans of Lone Star for the adults. We had a bouncy house for kids to jump in, had a potato sack race, and attempted a water balloon toss. I blew up 100 balloons and they lasted maybe 8 seconds. Oh well! Thanks to Duane and Lourdes (affectionately known as "Lou Lou" to Jack) for giving Jack a HUGE palm tree pinata. It was bigger than some of the trees in our backyard and all the 17 kids in attendance had fun hitting it (with the exception of Sweet Baby Dylan, one month old now, he cuddled with Kate and brought her her first rose, so sweet!) Thanks to Aunt Jen and Uncle Kris for coming early to help set up, for making a zillion skewers of fruit and making the show run smoothly. We couldn't do it without you! Jack opened presents after everyone went home, the dining room was filled with fun toys and tissue paper. Thanks everyone, especially to the Fay Family for providing Jack with his favorite toy this year...the Little People Dump Truck. He even took it to bed with him tonight!

Kater-Tot!

2009-08-16T23:27:00.001-05:00

Uncle Kris and I had a great time playing together at Jack's party...He was making me laugh and laugh. He also gave me a great new nickname..."Kater-Tot!" I love it, even though I am not quite sure what a "Tater Tot" is. I guess I'll figure it out in a few years!

Woooooaaaaaaahhhhh!

2009-08-15T21:52:00.002-05:00

I'm TWO!

2009-08-15T08:45:00.002-05:00

I am 2!
Hair: Blondish Brown
Eyes: Blue
Height: Getting taller everyday
Weight: About 26 pounds or so
Activity Level: Off the charts
Smiles: Plenty
Favorite Drink: Milk
Favorite Food: Cheese
Favorite Dessert: Cookies
Favorite Pasttime: Coloring and Swimming
Favorite Toy: Matchbox Cars and Legos
Specialties: Throwing dirty diapers in the trash, getting diapers for Mom and Dad when they change Kate's diaper, closing doors, turning lights on and off, requesting "Elmo" and pointing to the tv, sleeping late, giving zerberts, and going outside via the dog door.

Happy 2nd Birthday Jack!

2009-08-14T20:18:00.005-05:00

2 years old!

1 year old!

Newborn Jack!
Jack,
Wow...Time flies when you're having fun. I can't help but look at you today and be amazed at the past two years, how WE have grown and developed and continue to fall madly in love with you everyday. Although sometimes I wish for a bit more sleep, I wouldn't trade any moment I have had with you, especially cuddling in bed together in the morning and watching Elmo (over and over and over again!). You have an endless love for life already, have an enormous amount of curiousity and demonstrate your sweet heart daily, especially when interacting with your little sister. You have already been such a great big brother in just seven short months. I love you so much and can't wait for you to give me another zerbert! Happy Birthday to you Jack!!!
Love, Mom
P.S. Many thanks and much love to Dan. Without him, this would still be a dream. XOXO.

Happy Birthday Dad/Dan!

2009-08-11T22:17:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday Dan! Wishing you a great day and year filled with much love and more sleep than you got this past year! You are a wonderful father, husband, and friend and the world is a better place because of you! Happy 39th! We love you!
Jack, Kate, Murph, Finn and Cage

Sly little devil!

2009-08-09T13:38:00.003-05:00

Kate was hanging out with her future suitor, Dylan Hanley last night. Just as soon as Dylan had calmed down after a brief bout of crying, thanks to a pacifier (poor little guy at 3 weeks is still trying to figure out day and nights), she decided to flirt a little and pull it out of his mouth. Wow Kate, go for the gusto! Dylan handled it pretty well and we all got a great laugh.

Can you ever get enough photos? Not me!

2009-08-09T13:36:00.002-05:00

As you can see, Brian and Liz are full of love for their little baby. My question is...How can they both look so good when they claim they aren't sleeping? I think they're the best looking couple with a 3-week old! I don't know what eye cream they use but I want some!

Thanks Brian!

2009-08-09T13:29:00.002-05:00

Liz and Brian brought 3- week old Sweet Baby Dylan (Kate's boyfriend) over and we broke in Dan's smoker with salmon (yummy!). Brian being the "Jack of All Trades" taught Dan how to smoke the salmon to perfection and also brought over all his photography gear. We had a great time with them and loved taking photos of the kiddos. We are so happy Dylan is here. We plan to enjoy the hills and valleys of parenting with Liz and Brian and hope that Jack, Kate and Dylan will be lifelong friends. It takes a village and we are glad they are in ours!

I scream, you scream, we all scream for Ice Cream!

2009-08-09T13:20:00.000-05:00

Future Baskin Robbins worker...already have my outfit. "What can I get you sir? Waffle or sugar cone? Single or Double Scoop? Enjoy your day and thanks for coming in to see us!"

7 months

2009-08-09T13:15:00.002-05:00

Hey! It's Kate! Dad sometimes calls me "Kate-a-licious." Mom keeps saying "D, Can you believe it's been 7 months already?" I can! I am getting used to this world, I am trying my best to crawl but still haven't figured out what to do with the two long things in front of my head...I think they are called arms. I can move my feet really well though! If there were races for moving backwards, I'd win. I love baths and going to the pool. I love watching my Big Brother (he's crazy!) and prefer eating solid foods over drinking milk. I am doing a great job sleeping about 12 hours each night and wake up with a big smile on my face while I wait for someone to come in and get me. No need to cry...I just lay thinking about things us 7 month old babies think about. I wouldn't dare tell you my secrets! ;)